intentions

First of all, can I just say how much I miss having time to write in my blog?

Sometimes, as I lie in bed for the 20 minutes I am trying to fall asleep IMMEDIATELY after Lewis does to take full advantage of maximum sleep hours, I think of things I am dealing with, enjoying, noticing about me, the world, etc ...

All very blog worthy and yet I find about 12 minutes a day when I am not feeding, (which to be fair sometimes gives me a one handed computer access which I waste on Facebook), burping, soothing, changing, or otherwise futzing with the boy.

I really admire the Moms who write. Moms with little ones. How do they do it? Check out the blogs I follow and you'll find really funny, clever and well written stuff by busy people.

So I have these thoughts and then they go ... away ... as the days tick off and the calendar turns.

But here is one notion that stuck and I was determined to use part of my 12 minutes to capture it.

In Leadership we often started the day with one word intentions .. something we would hang our hats on for the day. It was how we wanted to be, show up or create.

And I have come up with the intention that captures this period of time for me.

Surrender.

I can't blog like I used to. Or read. Or watch TV. Or talk to friends. Or stay out past 7. Or drink. Or do so many things. And when I try, I end up frustrated. Things are interrupted. Baby cries. Needs attention. Constantly.

Yet, when I surrender to this new way of life and redirect my attentions and energies and tune into my newborn baby, it flows. We laugh and smile and coo. And cry and sleep. I match his energy rather than force my own on him and it works much much better. I give up trying to do all the things I did before. But I am getting something new.

He will only ever be this age once. I will only ever be a first time mother of a newborn once. His head will only smell this sweet for a limited time. Surrendering to the moment and savouring a bit brings me really really present to this weird altered and mostly very very lovely time.

And I am rewarded with the occasional 12 minutes of time to reflect. Or brush my teeth. Or make a sandwich. Or maybe even write.

So if I am not blogging, know it is because I have stopped. I have surrendered.

And I am probably on Facebook. With one hand.

But I'll be smelling the delicious baby while I am at it.

choosing the right side

Watch Jill Bolte Taylor and Her Stroke of Insight 

(on Ted.com. Inspired talks by the world's greatest thinkers and doers)

Neuroanatomist Jill Bolte Taylor had an opportunity few brain scientists would wish for: One morning, she realized she was having a massive stroke. As it happened -- as she felt her brain functions slip away one by one, speech, movement, understanding -- she studied and remembered every moment. This is a powerful story of recovery and awareness -- of how our brains define us and connect us to the world and to one another. (Recorded February 2008 in Monterey, California. Duration: 18:44.)

OCD

things I feel I have OCD about:
- bed making
- pillows on couches
- lighting
- clutter free surfaces
- e-mail checking
- Facebook checking
- stocking and replenishing household items and groceries
- laundry
- making soup

What kind of disease is this? No wonder I feel I don't have time to do things or to think or muse or relax? All this faffing about plumping pillows and making lists of toothpaste and milk and HP Sauce is taking up all my bleedin' time!

We are in a deep state of Waiting for the Next Thing here. It is almost time. Mark is finishing his dissertation and looking for a job. A job, which will hopefully secure many fundamental things in our future such as where we live, how we live, what I will do and at what level of financial security we will have, which dictates a whole other level of items. We kinda have to trust the universe.

Ultimately I believe things will work out, well, great. They tend to. And I believe that we will land squarely on our feet with the sunny side up. I really do believe that. And in my heart I know that no mater what happens we will be more than OK. But somehow making soup and keeping house and all my 'busy' work must weirdly be my brain's way of coping. Of control. It ain't much fun. But we have plenty of toilet paper at all times.

settling

in? Or just settling? That is the question.

Week 4 into my latest post at my temp job and in the new building the bank moved to. I am developing a pattern, Seeing the same Mom and her 2 rumpled primary school boys leave their house at 7:45. Seeing the same milk delivery truck as I walk down Broughton Street. Seeing the same early worms at the office. Is comforting. And my job is suddenly interesting. Interesting enough.

I have been back in the job world for over 10 months. Back long enough to know. Know that if I can do this, I can also get the benefits of the slog. I have actually applied for an actual J-O-B doing basically what I am doing now in the same department.

I admit, I have been fighting it. Now I surrender to the reaity of wanting a sturdy financial stand from which we can grow. Savings. Houses. Family. The whole lot.

I shan't abandon coaching. It remains as important and as integral as ever. It is just now an additional thing I do.

What I do know is that it feels nice to put the first stake in the ground.