brain dump

This happens to me all the time.

When something big is coming up -- like a move, a big trip, getting married, or perhaps giving birth-- I tend to hyper list. Scraps of paper. Random thinking. A bit skatty and ping pongy.

So indulge me as I dump the contents of my head to get it out.

• To doula or not to doula. Must find the right doula
• Do I need a new nightgown for the hospital?
• One of my friends has her hospital bag packed already, should I?
  
• When will my remaining clothes totally stop fitting?
  
• Who knew you could bring music and snacks to the hospital? This opens up another whole group of lists
• Must buy clock radio for the guest room for the Tour of Guests 2009
  
• Summer soups - not ones serves cold ... hmmm
  
• Wow, I need a pedicure
• I wish we had Target - I need new comfy pants I can go out in public in
• Pre-Tastic podcasts are great and I can't stop listening to them
• Do you tell insurance people when you have a baby? When?
• Does the UK have tax deductions like the US?
  
• Wouldn't it be nice if I had a "go-to" group of easy recipes for my guests when then come -- for both pre and post baby?
• Why do US people seem so much more upbeat about pregnancy than UK? (pregtastic podcasts vs. NCT DVD and info)
  
• I really don't feel like cooking
• Can't stop doing laundry
• Glucose Tolerance Test Wednesday -- ugh hope I don't have Gestational Diabetes. That would suck
• When am I going to start thinking about things other than pregnancy and babies? I am boring even myself.
  
• Mark is cute when he is covered in paint. When WILL he be finished???
  
• Am I gonna have a baby shower?
• gotta pee
  
• Maybe getting a cleaner every other week during MAT leave is a good idea
• I wish we had a car so I could go shopping today
• When will the birth books from Amazon come?
• The pile of baby things in the office looks sad and, well, piled. I can't wait to put things in their place
• I miss drinking
• What is my Birth Plan? Low dose/patient controlled epidural/no episiotomy/calm environment. not too many people/can do attitude/reassurance/sorry of I swear at you/whoosh- here's the baby/please
  
• Stairs are hard. 55 to our flat is becoming an expedition
• When do I send in my Maternity Allowance form?
  
• Am I eating too much peanut butter toast?
• No good movies out
• Is the baby room gonna be too baby-ish and bug me?
• gotta pee
• mmmm, peanut butter toast
  

small hours

I've gotten into a weird (for me) habit of going to bed late. And NOT being able to fall asleep. Usually I read and then turning off the light and taking my glasses off become achievements WAY too hard to tackle and I fall into a deep pit of slumber with the light on and my glasses in my hand. (as I tell myself, "remember not to roll over on these.")

But since the holidays we've been up staying up late and consequently getting up unreasonably and embarrassingly late for a work week. Alarm ignored. No snooze. Just "off" after it blares.

But one of the great things about lying in bed trying to fall asleep or those moments of breaking into consciously when I wake up is that I keep getting these flashes of clarity. Eyes closed. Fuzzy room. Dark and Blankets. But somewhere in my mind, I am emerging.

I know I have been a particularly absent blogger. One of the reasons is that I didn't have much to say or share. And now in those small hours I am finding, nay, COMPOSING brilliant essays and insights for my blog, for my coaching web site, for client sessions. "Ah... so clear - THAT'S what I want to say!" Wonderful to have the grey matter churning out new information!

Except. Here's the rub. I can almost never remember any of it in the light of sober, caffeinated day. It is as if these glimpses of brilliance are fleeting and wispy. I want to recreate those words, those images and I come up with the big thought bubble over my head ... and it is empty.

Yeah I know what you are thinking, and it is just so unlikely that I will wake up enough to write them down. I don't even want to try that. I just want to love the clear moments I am getting. Like when you are tuning an old radio and get a faint sound of music somewhere in the crackles as you turn the knob. I just want to notice them and enjoy them. And see what sense I can make in my waking hours.

And turn up the volume.

OCD

things I feel I have OCD about:
- bed making
- pillows on couches
- lighting
- clutter free surfaces
- e-mail checking
- Facebook checking
- stocking and replenishing household items and groceries
- laundry
- making soup

What kind of disease is this? No wonder I feel I don't have time to do things or to think or muse or relax? All this faffing about plumping pillows and making lists of toothpaste and milk and HP Sauce is taking up all my bleedin' time!

We are in a deep state of Waiting for the Next Thing here. It is almost time. Mark is finishing his dissertation and looking for a job. A job, which will hopefully secure many fundamental things in our future such as where we live, how we live, what I will do and at what level of financial security we will have, which dictates a whole other level of items. We kinda have to trust the universe.

Ultimately I believe things will work out, well, great. They tend to. And I believe that we will land squarely on our feet with the sunny side up. I really do believe that. And in my heart I know that no mater what happens we will be more than OK. But somehow making soup and keeping house and all my 'busy' work must weirdly be my brain's way of coping. Of control. It ain't much fun. But we have plenty of toilet paper at all times.

sunny side

I don’t mean to be so dear about it, but my favourite part of the day has become my walk to work.

I create a new path and meander the 20 minutes zigging and zagging to follow the sunny side until I reach my office. It dries my hair. It makes me breathe. You see, the last week or so has been featuring Actual Sun, which for us this summer is not just novel, but we are collectively gagging for it.

I spent last weekend in the south of England in the Bournemouth area with Lexie & Martin and it was 70+ degrees and azure, clear skies. I about died of happiness. I always professed to be one who enjoyed a melancholy, grey day… but I think I need to change my tune. The dark and unpredictable climate these last few months has really gotten to me in a way which I had not recognised. It isn’t just the warm temperatures, but the feeling of summer – relaxed, fun, silly, and light hearted I’ve been missing. Even though we grown ups (ok some of us grown ups!) have to go to an office and pretend to be adult, summer still can be a different state of mind. Linen and salad thinking, not black wool and potatoes.

Now, I wrote the above last week and it has been rainy on my daily sojourn to work, but it still applies even in the clouds. There is something about walking as a means of transport that slows you down enough to hear your head. The summer attitude I need to work on.

SLF639

Reporting to duty.

Today was my first day at my job as a Regular Employee. Just 2 weeks shy of my 1 year anniversary at SLB, I have crossed the threshold into 31 days a year holiday and 51p soup in the canteen.

And today feels no different than Friday. Same job, same people, same schedule, same desk, same tasks. New ID number, new badge, and a few new procedures to capture my hours worked.

My goal is to keep the rest of me in the same sameness. My outlook. My integrity. My sense of self. Keep perspective. Keep real. Keep true to me.

And to repeat my mantra as I walk to work each morning

I like my job

I have nothing to prove

I am just here to work

And eat the cheap lunch.

fantasy

Finally a rerun I can get excited about. After more than 20 years, they are running it on UKTV Gold station. And man, it brings me back... the pinnacle in the Saturday night/popcorn/sprite/cheeto/jammies line-up after Solid Gold and Love Boat was Fantasy Island.

It was always a bit scary what with all those white suits and B rated guest stars, and planes landing on water, but I really loved the concept. Imagine a place you can go and ostensibly 'work something out' and get what you really want in your heart of hearts. In the show naturally there was always a catch or a cautionary tale of Be Careful What you Wish For. Money Won't Buy Happiness. The Love You Want is in Front of You. Beauty doesn't Make You Happy, etc. blah blah.

I honestly can't imagine a show like that now -- it would be all porn. Or actually we do have shows like that but they all involve Hot Hook ups of annoying 20somethings cheating on each other.

I mean an actual place where you could go and get whatever your heart truly longs for. It is an interesting concept.

I am thrilled that I can be transported to that time when the show itself seemed magical and cool and scary. Which is kinda what it feels like to get what your heart wants.