I am lying on my bed while 5 Glaswegian men with a mostly unintelligible brogue pack my family's most precious and useful belongings and cart them down huffing and puffing down 2 flights of stairs into a 2,300 cubic feet volume moving truck.
I am lying down not to be a princess. Or because it is the only soft spot left (which it is.) It is because I must. All my cells are crying to stop.
All the culmination coming to this day... the worry about money, the fret about a job for Mark, the decisions about moving, about selling, about nurseries, the finding of a neighbourhood, a house to rent, the culling, the good bye-ing, the minutia of moving and quotes, and millions of squillions of details... it is all coming to its ready to pop head.
It is now all happening ... the domino has been tipped and I watch as many many more fall into place and they click click click taking this life, this world and change it into the next.
I lie down because I am overwhelmed with this truth. And my baby girl inside is heavy and I ache. And I feel unable to watch the dominoes straight on. I can see them from the corners of my eyes. And it is enough. I have been in the drivers seat or the map reading seat for most of this journey and now I want to be driven.
Wake me when we are there and you need to put the flowers in the vase, arrange the pillows and stock the fridge.
Let us be grateful to people who make us happy; they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom. -Marcel Proust
Tuesday, 24 April 2012
Thursday, 12 April 2012
will be missed
The fact that we are moving is quickly shifting from an abstract, scary future event into a hard and present tense fact. We have movers coming to quote. We have lease papers to sign. We are selling some of our Giant American furniture that fits our Giant Glasgow flat but will be ridiculous in our tiny Cambridge terraced house. I have change of address things to fill out for the mail redirection. We have a new nursery for Lewis all signed up. I have started good-byeing, knowing that in 2 short weeks or so, we won't (gulp) LIVE here.
It always helps me (as any of you regular readers know) to list it out. Properly annotate just the very things I am processing. It helps me move through the treacle.
So my beginnings of my endings here. I am sad about leaving Scotland. Full-Stop. It has been a most welcoming country. It likes Americans. It is not pretentious or snobby or competitive. It has a live and let live feeling. And a sense of culture and collective spirit that is enviable. People are friendly. I have friends. I have people. It is home. And I hope in some ways it always will be.
In no apparent order, things I will miss:
It always helps me (as any of you regular readers know) to list it out. Properly annotate just the very things I am processing. It helps me move through the treacle.
So my beginnings of my endings here. I am sad about leaving Scotland. Full-Stop. It has been a most welcoming country. It likes Americans. It is not pretentious or snobby or competitive. It has a live and let live feeling. And a sense of culture and collective spirit that is enviable. People are friendly. I have friends. I have people. It is home. And I hope in some ways it always will be.
In no apparent order, things I will miss:
- Hearing random bagpipes playing
- Kelvingrove Park- so close, so big, our big garden 2 blocks away
- An Clatchan cafe's easy, perfect park location, caramelised onion sausage sandwiches and open toy policy, a respite for the weary parent with great cake and an outside seat to watch the playpark while you sip
- Biblos chocolate cake, reliable lattes and owner gossip
- The 44 bus
- Grassroots Charlie, always ready with a fun chit chat and a welcome for a local shopper
- Kilts
- Seeing wedding parties walk down the street to the civil ceremonies place
- Lupe Pintos access to all things Tex Mex and oddly necessary American things
- Our large, tall rooms to roam all on one floor
- Having a baby in the familiar if imperfect princess royal hospital
- Dear pal Rhona, real talk and real laughing with kindred spirit, movie nights at GFT
- Acorn Nursery's sincere and relentless staff friendliness
- My sunny yellow kitchen so lovingly upgraded by Mark
- Scotland's space, absence of crowds and heat
- My dear fellow mothering pals to commiserate and kvetch with, learn from, and watch our littles grow big together. I am sad I won't be here for more of the journey together.
- My supportive and earthy acupuncturist Maureen, seeing me through 2 natural pregnancies
- My first home purchase of lovely historic flat with 16 foot ceilings and more rooms than we knew what to do with
- The place where I became a mother, we became a family and Lewis had his first home
- The toy room, TV room. big bed, tiny bed
- Friendly, open non judgemental Scottish people
- Kick ass curries
- Trips to the elephant museum/transport museum
- Park Circus views
- Glaswegian blether
- more chances of actual sunshine
- flat biking
- a truly international community
- a (more) non smoking & healthy environment
- English country pubs
- being a 1.5 hour drive away from grandparents
- no more climbing 50+ stairs to our flat with a baby, a toddler, a pregnant belly or shopping
- the Cambridge market
- seeing old Cambridge buddies
- another step closer to home
- train ride easy access to London
- coming full circle to where I started my UK adventure and Mark & I stopped just dating and started our lives together
- posh accents
- seeing Mark Love his job again
- my baby girl being born English
Thursday, 5 April 2012
come together. right now.
I can scarcely believe I have stolen this slice of the clock to sit and reflect. It feels suspiciously intended for me to gather and comment.
Moving house, late stage pregnancy, managing toddlers, selling a flat: what are things that are complicated. what are things that are stressful. what are things that are tiring.
All true. And yet, here I am with an hour on my own. Chores done. Lists crossed off (for now). And a sense of not calm exactly, but more okay-ness with it all.
I feel like I have been staring at a mountain of puzzle pieces that someone dumped out -- all the same colour and no picture as a guide. Daunting and brain-achingly big. But somehow we've managed a few of the edge pieces together ... and a few of the central ones. I still don't know where many of the pieces go, or what the picture looks like, but I now see it is possible.
It helps and soothes enormously that my partner is deeply committed to problem solving, puzzle piecing and is not scared to put an excel spreadsheet to good use. I just keep turning the pieces over and lining them up. Once in a while I find one that fits.
No big lesson here or lofty epiphany here, just a deep sense of relief that things, which seemed endlessly complicated, are actually fitting quite nicely.
Moving house, late stage pregnancy, managing toddlers, selling a flat: what are things that are complicated. what are things that are stressful. what are things that are tiring.
All true. And yet, here I am with an hour on my own. Chores done. Lists crossed off (for now). And a sense of not calm exactly, but more okay-ness with it all.
I feel like I have been staring at a mountain of puzzle pieces that someone dumped out -- all the same colour and no picture as a guide. Daunting and brain-achingly big. But somehow we've managed a few of the edge pieces together ... and a few of the central ones. I still don't know where many of the pieces go, or what the picture looks like, but I now see it is possible.
It helps and soothes enormously that my partner is deeply committed to problem solving, puzzle piecing and is not scared to put an excel spreadsheet to good use. I just keep turning the pieces over and lining them up. Once in a while I find one that fits.
No big lesson here or lofty epiphany here, just a deep sense of relief that things, which seemed endlessly complicated, are actually fitting quite nicely.
Sunday, 18 March 2012
sharp left turn
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Image: cbenjasuwan / FreeDigitalPhotos.net |
Jobs end, money stops, mortgages and bills carry on.
Not real fun.
And now, we are half way there (continuing my Bon Jovi theme.)
A nice juicy contract position and a future to lean into ... ahhh.
And it is in Cambridge.
Not. Glasgow. Not even Scotland.
So here we are on the eve on this all beginning. The kick off.
After a long, cold winter of worrying and waiting for change, tomorrow it starts.
Tomorrow he begins this job.
Tomorrow we begin time apart while we work on moving forward.
Tomorrow things change.
I think the AA serenity prayer is particularly handy right now.
As well as trust. Faith. Hope. Connection. And most of all love.
We know that as long as we are together, happy, healthy and comfortable, our home is together. And that together is just going to be somewhere else.
Selling the flat, packing, moving, explaining it all to a 2.5 year old all while carrying the load of a 3rd trimester at my advanced maternal age with my tiny tolerance for chaos may test my mettle. And my sanity.
So we take this sharp left. We aren't sure what it looks like. Or how it will be. But does anyone? Every time the Universe has
So we begin with eyes open, hearts full.
Labels:
beginning,
being awake,
being optimistic,
change,
more new chapters,
moving,
oh my god
Friday, 24 February 2012
sheer poetry

Every once in a while you come across a new idea that some smart person has executed and it makes instant sense.
Thanks to my dear friend and inspiring human, Hanna Cooper, I've been turned on to a brilliant site.
Simple, inspiring and the kind of thing that stops you for that oddly important moment to get out of your grumbling navel-living and gives you a tiny peek into your bigger world. Which feels like a deeply welcome respite.
It is called Bentlily: one poem a day, the art of noticing your life -- and the inspiration of a woman called Samantha Reynolds. It is poetry about love, parenthood, the beauty of nature, creativity and this tender and curious life. Yum.
You sign up to get a new poem every day, handy-like in your email. I've only gotten two so far and I am already hooked. You can even make an "insta-poem" and use this cool little app to create your own poem by providing key words.
Here was yesterday's poem by guest poet Grace Kenina.
The next act
Being presentdoes not mean ignoring
the future
plan for the next act
of your life
as you would a special guest
coming for dinner
scrub down the unkind voices
the ones that tell you lies
like you are not
enough
write love letters
to your future
self
stand knee-deep in the moment
feel the buttery mud under your boot
the blunt air of winter
press your attention
against your breath
look deep inside
tomorrow’s dreams
are already
rehearsing.
Thwack. It hits me centrally in my solar plexus. As I stand precariously on the tippy top of a next chapter, it reminds me to relax into change. I want to feel the buttery mud. And trust that tomorrow's dreams are on their way.
Poetry. Like music. Like art. Like beauty. Can serve to remind that the world is bigger than your walls, more magical than you imagine, and offers slender slices of hope.
I urge you to not deny yourself that.
Labels:
charming gardeners,
inspiration,
now=wow,
poetry
Saturday, 4 February 2012
talking bout my girl
I was just looking back at old blog posts to see when I started to look actually pregnant and not just like I have a big gut (about 5 months) and I was reading old posts from that time of pregnancy. I was to interested. I was so switched on. So passionate. So not exhausted.
So I am 21 weeks pregnant now with our baby girl child and I have yet to really think of what it is going to be like, much less what is happening down under. In one short birth experience have I become so blase and uninterested? What a difference experience makes ... takes a lot of the unknown and the fear out ...
I find that what I am doing now, besides eating chocolate digestives, is thinking ... this is a GIRL.
Girl. Girl. G-I-R-L!
Purple things and hair treats and the possibility of not having to brooooom cars (or not as constantly), of mother/daughter closeness, of adolescence and menopause clashing, of being a woman role model. Funny, I didn't feel those things when we were expecting a boy ... what did I know of a boy? Foreign country. And they still are .. lovely & different. But girls ... I AM one. What am I expecting to be different? Easier? Harder? I guess I think I have expectations, which I really did not with a boy.
Must try to erase those expectations as girl or boy babe... this is a new person, first and last of her kind, true original.
As she continues to grow and become more of a peson, I want to remember to honour this soul, this individual as she comes and just hope and pray she likes stripy tights.
So I am 21 weeks pregnant now with our baby girl child and I have yet to really think of what it is going to be like, much less what is happening down under. In one short birth experience have I become so blase and uninterested? What a difference experience makes ... takes a lot of the unknown and the fear out ...
I find that what I am doing now, besides eating chocolate digestives, is thinking ... this is a GIRL.
Girl. Girl. G-I-R-L!
Purple things and hair treats and the possibility of not having to brooooom cars (or not as constantly), of mother/daughter closeness, of adolescence and menopause clashing, of being a woman role model. Funny, I didn't feel those things when we were expecting a boy ... what did I know of a boy? Foreign country. And they still are .. lovely & different. But girls ... I AM one. What am I expecting to be different? Easier? Harder? I guess I think I have expectations, which I really did not with a boy.
Must try to erase those expectations as girl or boy babe... this is a new person, first and last of her kind, true original.
As she continues to grow and become more of a peson, I want to remember to honour this soul, this individual as she comes and just hope and pray she likes stripy tights.
Sunday, 29 January 2012
birthday eve
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photo from http://abeautifulmessinside.com |
It has a nice, even, symmetrical quality about it, even if it is a number that feels a bit too big and a bit too foreign. In my mind, I think about 38 is right.
Even more so, since I am now 21 weeks pregnant with a baby girl child.
Being 44 and half-way there to birth is far more knackering that it was at 41.
I am tired and not so very patient. Makes me want to take a bit of stock on just what and where I am today on my birthday eve.
I am:
pregnantalmost 44- OK, we covered that
tired- ditto
- often blank of mind when I have 10 minutes of quiet
- in love with my bed
- illogically laundry obsessed
- disinterested in most current affairs
- nervous if I don't have both a book to read and a book to listen to
- eating much cheese
- scared to drive our newly acquired car (I haven't driven in the UK since the DAY of my test. In 2006. Hello)
- worried about having 2 children drain my waning energies
- worried that child 1 will be sad not to have his mum all to himself
- worried that I have no recall on how to care for actual baby
- realising this list is not as whimsical and light as I imagined it
- trying now to think of really positive things
- blank of mind
OK. Let me try something else ... here's what I want for my 44th year
- endurance
- patience
- flexibility
- light-heartedness
- giggles
- family hugs
- embracing change
- ever expanding love supply for all my important people including myself
- financial stability
- ability to find the silly
- be the best mother, partner, daughter and friend I can be
- appreciate the many magical tiny moments I have each day
- one eye on the horizon so I can picture where we are going and start to get excited about being there
- gratitude for the ways which I know, I already have all of those things
Saturday, 31 December 2011
greatest hits 2011
thank you 2011...
- fitflop slippers
- eternity scarf
- daddy pig
- the good wife
- part time nursery
- bbc radio 4 extra
- blakley fit eddie bauer trousers
- curly wispy lewis hair
- goodreads.com
- FJF tribute to quiet hero
- motherhood friends
- audible.com
- babychinos
- expecting baby number 2
- family, nuclear, extended and inherited
- full conversations with Lewis
- owning a car
- perfect pancake pans
- staying
Thursday, 20 October 2011
two
I am having a really good birthday.
Celebrating the day of the birth of boy, that is.
Simple day: his parents, grandma, home made pizza, grandma- made white cake with chocolate frosting, red balance bike, red balloons (and a giant somewhat scary mylar "2" balloon) cards, books, digger wellies, car garage, playdoh, singing the happy birthday song AND blowing out the candle 5 times, and enough adorable clothes to make his mom happy. Enthusiastic opener, polite and equal attention to all (except the clothes). Time and the park, time at home.
And best gift of all is that all, he is napping. RIGHT NOW!
Happy Birthday, all of us.

Simple day: his parents, grandma, home made pizza, grandma- made white cake with chocolate frosting, red balance bike, red balloons (and a giant somewhat scary mylar "2" balloon) cards, books, digger wellies, car garage, playdoh, singing the happy birthday song AND blowing out the candle 5 times, and enough adorable clothes to make his mom happy. Enthusiastic opener, polite and equal attention to all (except the clothes). Time and the park, time at home.
And best gift of all is that all, he is napping. RIGHT NOW!
Happy Birthday, all of us.
Thursday, 29 September 2011
brave new look
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or just lipstick on the pig? |
I have been enraptured by the parenting blog brigade lately -- with really insightful and smart posts. They are prolific. Posting near daily. New things to say. They all have nifty bespoke headers, copyrights, and all seem to be well connected to each other, with squillions of followers. How do they have time for this? Do they not sleep or need to watch all their DVRed shows? Do they have children who sleep in their own beds? Do they not need to shower at night? Do they not obsess about the laundry?
Now this little blog, born in 2004 never set out to be more than an online account of what new groceries I found in the UK or the fancy accents I was hearing and feeling cool about being an expat. And it has morphed, along with the rest of my life into coaching, marriage, moving, pregnancy and now parenting. I want the look to morph too!
I envy those fancy blogger people with their links to their facebook pages and smart subscriptions and fresh, new things to say.
Today I changed the look (thank you people of blogger). Today I change the sheets.
Tomorrow may I be fresh. Tomorrow, may I be insightful. Tomorrow, may I be smart.
Labels:
blogging envy,
new look
Location:
Glasgow, Glasgow City, UK
Wednesday, 24 August 2011
pause: 22 months and 3 days
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sweetie grin |
- understands pretty much everything you say, possibly
I am sureeven the swear words - comfortable chatting away: favourite words ''tiny', 'winnow' (window), 'oh dear' and 'wow' and 'what's daddy doin?', 'lewie do it" and 'home' and noo neeee (for fire truck noise)
- loves diggers, dirt, water (drinking and pouring) swimming, books with diggers, Peppa Pig (daddy pig especially), throwing balls, climbing (especially ladders), spinning things, his friends Kit and Jamie, splashing in puddles in his boots, sticky tape, going to the cafe in the park, and blowing raspberries on mummy's tummy
- before going to sleep, recounts highlights of his day to himself, processing people he has seen, the story lines of Peppa Pig, particularly exciting trucks or events like mommy breaking a cup.
- likes to choose his clothes and is very particular about his shoes
- loves dried apricots, cheese, toast, peas (frozen and cooked), sausage, noodles, ice cream, apples cooked in butter with cinnamon and brown sugar
- fights naps and bedtime sleeping and loves cuddling
- pushes kids big or small when he is tired or frustrated (we are working on this!)
- is very attached to his parents, his pram and his little man cap
- very much wants a bike or a scooter (shhhh- 2 year bday is coming!)
May I continue to be the best parent I can be and may Lewis forget the swear words, or at least use them only at home.
Labels:
growing a person,
life of lewis,
parenthood
Friday, 19 August 2011
our quiet hero, now rest
My Dad died a few weeks ago on 27 July. He had a rough few years with his health, battling (and winning) lung cancer and heart surgery, with long, hard won recoveries. He recovered enough to enjoy a bit of this summer, taking a coach trip with the Korean War veterans to Washington DC, seeing a few local baseball games with my Mom, riding his bike, eating McDonald's ice cream cones. But it was an infection from his surgery that got him in the end. He died in no pain, with no mental anguish, with my Mom, 2 of my siblings and the nicest nurse with him.
I am fresh back from my visit home to say my final good bye to my Dad at his funeral. It was a hard, loving, emotional visit that had flashes of normalcy and many sweet laughs as Lewis entertained and provided a tender elixir to the heaviness of the days.
Along with my Uncle Dave and a fellow Gray Beard, Korean War veteran friend, all of my brothers and sisters and I spoke at my Dad's service. The service was fitting to the man, simple, lovely with a military respect of the 21 gun salute and buried in his favourite green fleece. It was an honour to speak of my Dad and I share my words here.
In my job, I often ask people what they want people to remember them for.
I am fresh back from my visit home to say my final good bye to my Dad at his funeral. It was a hard, loving, emotional visit that had flashes of normalcy and many sweet laughs as Lewis entertained and provided a tender elixir to the heaviness of the days.
Along with my Uncle Dave and a fellow Gray Beard, Korean War veteran friend, all of my brothers and sisters and I spoke at my Dad's service. The service was fitting to the man, simple, lovely with a military respect of the 21 gun salute and buried in his favourite green fleece. It was an honour to speak of my Dad and I share my words here.
Until now I haven’t realised what a quiet force my Dad was. He was often in the background but he was always there ... steady, strong, available.
I can’t help but think Dad would be so happy and proud to hear that his small and large kindnesses, his friendly and warm company and his steadfast presence made us all of feel loved, safe and taken care of.
And I don’t think I ever got to thank him for that.
So now I take my moment to say thank you, Dad.
- - For being the man that drove me to endless tumbling and random events all my childhood, with Sports Talk on the radio
- - For being the best looking Dad in the pack
- - For always smelling like clean aftershave
- - Magically changing all my crumpled singles and big pile of change waitress tips into nice, clean 20s
- - For wearing his kid’s logo wear with pride, or at least making us feel like he was proud.
- - Playing with my fingers in church when I was little
- - For being the man who documented things like the date we got a new toilet seat
- - And taking pictures of things on TV
- - For showing me that being a dad often means eating burnt toast and the black jellybeans
- - Having the perfect architectural penmanship
- - Hiding $50 bills at my house, for me to find later
- - With limited success, trying to teaching me and Gary to bowl – shake hands with the ball
- - Showing me that arguing bitterly with you spouse over Christmas tree lights is an annual event that your marriage will survive
- - For forever cementing that lunchboxes should always smell of bananas
- - For walking me down the aisle at my wedding
- - For making me feel safe
- - Driving us home from the lake and feeling so utterly secure that we always fell asleep that 45 minutes
- - Insisting on filling up gas in your car
- - Hearing Mom and Dad’s low murmur voices in bed talking at night
- - Warming up the car and scraping off the snow for you on cold mornings
- - For being there when Lewis was born … 16 days late, and being the first person to call Lewis “sweetheart”
- - For the example of hard work -- like the rings he made for all his kids and for Mom, taking silver dollar coins and painstakingly pounding them into simple, string silver rings… much like Dad himself.
I know Dad was always so happy when he and Mom were on their annual vacations in Florida. He would go for long solo walks on the beach, in search of sharks teeth, sand dollars, and maybe a bit of chat with other folks he’d meet along the way, collecting scraps of information to report back to Mom. He was tanned, happy, relaxed and utterly in his element...
I like to imagine he is on one of those adventures now – enjoying the view, collecting unexpected treasures, and forever basking in a beautiful sunny day.
So now we are all back at our respective homes. Back in the business of living. People have been heart-breakingly kind. Death does that. It shows our underbelly and our collective circles of friends and even acquaintances rally to hold our net. Makes us feel very very human and very alive in our pain. Now we are all sorting this through and feeling the soft spot where my Dad lived in each of us. Feeling lucky to have had him in a way we never acknowledged before. Feeling just that much closer to each other than before. Feeling what's missing and holding on to what's not.
Our quiet hero, my Mom's rock ... now rest.
So now we are all back at our respective homes. Back in the business of living. People have been heart-breakingly kind. Death does that. It shows our underbelly and our collective circles of friends and even acquaintances rally to hold our net. Makes us feel very very human and very alive in our pain. Now we are all sorting this through and feeling the soft spot where my Dad lived in each of us. Feeling lucky to have had him in a way we never acknowledged before. Feeling just that much closer to each other than before. Feeling what's missing and holding on to what's not.
Our quiet hero, my Mom's rock ... now rest.
Wednesday, 13 July 2011
good bye dear friend
Dear bed,
I think you may as well know. We are getting a new bed tomorrow. I am truly excited. A Superking (which is a normal King in the US). It will be HUGE. I look forward to the acres of space for all the sleeping beings in there. I look forward to a fresh mattress. New sheets. Yum.
And yet, yes, I am sad. I have always thought one of the most depressing sights was seeing a discarded mattress on the side of the road, awaiting the garbage men. No doubt that mattress was the refuge of many wonderful nights of sleep, love, tears, conception, naps, cuddles, piles of clothes, and comfort. Seems so wrong to discard it all naked and stained to the world's cruel view.
We got you when you were going to be just "Mark's bed" in 2002 in Washington DC. I remember helping pick you out in the shop, feeling very grown up and proud that I was being consulted for such an intimate purchase. I was the girlfriend and it gave me peace to think I could contribute my opinion on such a long term item. I remember thinking you were worth every penny for your pillow-top dreaminess.
Who knew that 9 years later I would be saying good bye to you after making you my own.
I have always loved you and felt you were a safe and welcoming place I could hide, dream, escape and unwind. You've earned your retirement. You sag. You've been subjected to all manner of new stains and indignities thanks to a new family member. And, bed, don't take this the wrong way, but you may have bugs.
We had some good times. You've seen us through 5 moves in 3 countries and never let us down.
Thank you for being such a good resting place. And don't worry, the nice men who are bringing your replacement to us will wrap you up and take you to your final sleep.
Night night.
I think you may as well know. We are getting a new bed tomorrow. I am truly excited. A Superking (which is a normal King in the US). It will be HUGE. I look forward to the acres of space for all the sleeping beings in there. I look forward to a fresh mattress. New sheets. Yum.
And yet, yes, I am sad. I have always thought one of the most depressing sights was seeing a discarded mattress on the side of the road, awaiting the garbage men. No doubt that mattress was the refuge of many wonderful nights of sleep, love, tears, conception, naps, cuddles, piles of clothes, and comfort. Seems so wrong to discard it all naked and stained to the world's cruel view.
We got you when you were going to be just "Mark's bed" in 2002 in Washington DC. I remember helping pick you out in the shop, feeling very grown up and proud that I was being consulted for such an intimate purchase. I was the girlfriend and it gave me peace to think I could contribute my opinion on such a long term item. I remember thinking you were worth every penny for your pillow-top dreaminess.
Who knew that 9 years later I would be saying good bye to you after making you my own.
I have always loved you and felt you were a safe and welcoming place I could hide, dream, escape and unwind. You've earned your retirement. You sag. You've been subjected to all manner of new stains and indignities thanks to a new family member. And, bed, don't take this the wrong way, but you may have bugs.
We had some good times. You've seen us through 5 moves in 3 countries and never let us down.
Thank you for being such a good resting place. And don't worry, the nice men who are bringing your replacement to us will wrap you up and take you to your final sleep.
Night night.
Tuesday, 12 July 2011
the great unsaid
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for sale at cafepress.com |
Well said. I feel very much like that. And I guess the things I have to say have been said in my head. Are they blog worthy?
Such as:
-How cute is my boy, who is starting to use two words together like "tiny spoon" and "mommy, in"
- This weather sucks. May and June were 100% dismal. Gray, raining and cold. Even I, who hate the heat, was grumpy.
- I need a new look. My style is slowly disintegrating from new mum dishevel into toddler mum frump.
- We need to get a plan. We have an income. And it is not ideal. We need to pull up our socks and get ready to make our changes happen. Life awaits and we are both sick of the holding pattern.
So, some items noteworthy, some trivial and many, many days of laundering, errands, toddler enertainment, trips to the park, big coffees to go, picking up small cars off all surfaces, making breakfasts, lunches, dinners and snacks for 2 males in my home.
Mombie mode is a murky gerbil tunnel. Occasionally you get a glimpse of the outside world, but then you remember that you need to get home for naptime. Maybe even yours.
Friday, 10 June 2011
why the playground scares me
I'll be the first to admit it. I am impressionable. If someone I like and respect tells me something or points out something to me I hadn't seen before, the seed is well and truly planted.
My grip in my parenting is often wobbly. I am finding scores of really interesting blogs and reads about kinds of parenting, ways to be positive, be connected, stay calm, be an example, etc. It is just the kind of reading that hooks me and also frees me. Gives a bit of direction to point my sorry ass self in when I am stuck with my own temper or cluelessness about how to best help Lew.
(Here's just a few I am particularly obsessive about consulting)
So I read these and I feel good. I feel like I have some ways to "be" and a bit of extra confidence that I am doing OK by my boy and not totally screwing him up yet. We are happy, we are connected, we are making it!
And then we go to the playground. The playground in the park near our house is really designed for bigger kids, but tell that to sweet Lewis, who has been conquering the big steps and big slide since he was 1. It is fun it a little daunting to let him explore and play, albeit with a sharp eye, possible hovering and lots of "carefuls". He loves being around other kids and part of the "scene."
Here's where I go tense and want to leave:
... the big kids come. 3-5 year olds are HUGE. They are STRONG. And FAST. And truly are not yet wired to care about a toddler's feelings ("Go away" "Stop following us" or ignoring small Lew's wave hello) or well being as they zip by him or knock him over. So that gets me. I don't expect little kids to get it. I do expect their parents to be 1% watching though. And so often they just aren't paying a lick of attention.
... I also sometimes see parents treating their kids in a very different way than I want to treat mine. Not listening. Bullying. Not watching. Ignoring. My stomach knots. I know know know that I do not have the answers and everyone deals in their own way. My parenting instincts are mine -- I get that. It is just very hard to witness upset kids being ignored. Here I am full frontal faced with my fears of bad parenting. And. I. Must. Flee.
I sometimes think Lewis and I need this cocoon of time together for me to get better and clearer about what kind of parent I want to be. My impressionable side at this point simply cannot watch parenting behaviour that I do not want to copy.
I do not want to judge any parents. I don't WANT to be judged. It is a serious job and we are all in our own boat. And yet I find that my incredibly helpful resources (see above) direct me in such a different way.
Until I can start to look at other families with more compassion, and be more rooted in my own gentle parenting, and Lewis can get up those slide stairs on his own, I think you'll see us at the playground only during the quiet hours.
Hopefully I'll be listening to Lewis, letting him play without too much direction, helping when he needs it, watching him, giving lots of love and we'll be walking home holding hands.

(Here's just a few I am particularly obsessive about consulting)
So I read these and I feel good. I feel like I have some ways to "be" and a bit of extra confidence that I am doing OK by my boy and not totally screwing him up yet. We are happy, we are connected, we are making it!
And then we go to the playground. The playground in the park near our house is really designed for bigger kids, but tell that to sweet Lewis, who has been conquering the big steps and big slide since he was 1. It is fun it a little daunting to let him explore and play, albeit with a sharp eye, possible hovering and lots of "carefuls". He loves being around other kids and part of the "scene."
Here's where I go tense and want to leave:
... the big kids come. 3-5 year olds are HUGE. They are STRONG. And FAST. And truly are not yet wired to care about a toddler's feelings ("Go away" "Stop following us" or ignoring small Lew's wave hello) or well being as they zip by him or knock him over. So that gets me. I don't expect little kids to get it. I do expect their parents to be 1% watching though. And so often they just aren't paying a lick of attention.
... I also sometimes see parents treating their kids in a very different way than I want to treat mine. Not listening. Bullying. Not watching. Ignoring. My stomach knots. I know know know that I do not have the answers and everyone deals in their own way. My parenting instincts are mine -- I get that. It is just very hard to witness upset kids being ignored. Here I am full frontal faced with my fears of bad parenting. And. I. Must. Flee.
I sometimes think Lewis and I need this cocoon of time together for me to get better and clearer about what kind of parent I want to be. My impressionable side at this point simply cannot watch parenting behaviour that I do not want to copy.
I do not want to judge any parents. I don't WANT to be judged. It is a serious job and we are all in our own boat. And yet I find that my incredibly helpful resources (see above) direct me in such a different way.
Until I can start to look at other families with more compassion, and be more rooted in my own gentle parenting, and Lewis can get up those slide stairs on his own, I think you'll see us at the playground only during the quiet hours.
Hopefully I'll be listening to Lewis, letting him play without too much direction, helping when he needs it, watching him, giving lots of love and we'll be walking home holding hands.
Friday, 3 June 2011
for my next act
I feel like I should be ready for something. Note the *should* in there. Never a good sign.
Much of me thinks the next thing is another baby. Body= ready. Husband= ready. Brain= ready. Age=hurrythehellup.
But at 43 (gulp) things are not instant. And what to do with my few available waking energies and fleeting moments. I know I can make laundry obsess-er, meal planner, nap police and supply manager a near full-time job. While is it not entirely 'un' satisfying, the bloom is nearing its peak on household running.
I don't have much energy to do anything very time consuming or brain taxing.
Mostly, I find in the few spare minutes to myself, I want very much to read. And then very much to sleep. And possibly have some time to stare at the TV with sole control of the remote. The end. That feels almost enough right now. Yet, I judge.
Coach? Surely I could be using my nice coaching abilities to reach out, do more get more clients, learn more things.
Exercise? I see new-ish moms in the park, running in a pack with their prams all a jiggle, encouraged from a skinny guy wearing shorts and asking for "10 more" push ups. A real workout? (Besides the 54 stairs I carry a 26 pound boy up thrice daily.)
Clean? Well, that seems much more like home-making again. And really.
Write? My pal Lexie always has something new up her sleeve and has written a little book. I am envious of her enthusiasm and determination. I'd love to write something more substantial then the 5 items needed at Sainsburys on tiny scraps of paper.
It all seems a bit daunting. Just going into town on my own feels a little like I am visiting a foreign land. I am not sure I am really ready for any big changes. Except the kind that take 9 months to cook.
My next act.
I know there is one. I just don't know what it is. I hope it is something really interesting and compels me and calls me forward to be brave and stand tall and feel alive and do my best. I hope it involves a costume change or two. I hope it emerges slowly and when I am ready.
But in the meanwhile, this intermission feels important. Now I just wish they'd quit yelling at me to take my feet off the seats.
Much of me thinks the next thing is another baby. Body= ready. Husband= ready. Brain= ready. Age=hurrythehellup.
But at 43 (gulp) things are not instant. And what to do with my few available waking energies and fleeting moments. I know I can make laundry obsess-er, meal planner, nap police and supply manager a near full-time job. While is it not entirely 'un' satisfying, the bloom is nearing its peak on household running.
I don't have much energy to do anything very time consuming or brain taxing.
Mostly, I find in the few spare minutes to myself, I want very much to read. And then very much to sleep. And possibly have some time to stare at the TV with sole control of the remote. The end. That feels almost enough right now. Yet, I judge.
Coach? Surely I could be using my nice coaching abilities to reach out, do more get more clients, learn more things.
Exercise? I see new-ish moms in the park, running in a pack with their prams all a jiggle, encouraged from a skinny guy wearing shorts and asking for "10 more" push ups. A real workout? (Besides the 54 stairs I carry a 26 pound boy up thrice daily.)
Clean? Well, that seems much more like home-making again. And really.
Write? My pal Lexie always has something new up her sleeve and has written a little book. I am envious of her enthusiasm and determination. I'd love to write something more substantial then the 5 items needed at Sainsburys on tiny scraps of paper.
It all seems a bit daunting. Just going into town on my own feels a little like I am visiting a foreign land. I am not sure I am really ready for any big changes. Except the kind that take 9 months to cook.
My next act.
I know there is one. I just don't know what it is. I hope it is something really interesting and compels me and calls me forward to be brave and stand tall and feel alive and do my best. I hope it involves a costume change or two. I hope it emerges slowly and when I am ready.
But in the meanwhile, this intermission feels important. Now I just wish they'd quit yelling at me to take my feet off the seats.
Labels:
intermission,
sigh,
this is your new thing now
Friday, 27 May 2011
ode to Fridays

- a slow, unfocused walk
- closing my eyes for whole moments
- entering the inner world of my clients and being in someone else's shoes for a while
- walking up and down each aisle, giving my full consideration to the vegetables
- noticing the faces as I pass by unencumbered and on my own
- the loose end jobs tied
- contemplating the state of my fingernails and my wardrobe
- another cup of tea
- home in peaceful order
- 7 hours of being just me
Labels:
alone,
brain space,
breathing,
clean living,
yay
Friday, 20 May 2011
19 (really??) months
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Lewie loving Lambie |
About a month since I last blogged.
About a minute since I did my last load of laundry.
And a million seconds of L's everyday getting bigger.
Today, my sweet sausage is 19 months.
Closer to two years than to one.
He is a boy.
A mama loving, dadddieee playing, wheel-obsessed, charming small person. He knows who he is and says no when he doesn't want something. Although he still says it so sweet (noo noo) that the novelty hasn't worn off.
He discovered the love for stuffed animals lately, which melts my own personal heart into a quivering sop. He kisses them, he feeds them (hello gross, stained furry mouths) and he gives them tight cuddles. Right or wrongly, I feel a certain pride that he may have learned how to treat his fuzzy pals in a gentle way, hopefully because we treat him that way.
It is a reminder that we are his models for human behaviour. How to manage not getting our way, how to be when we are tired, how to treat each other, how to take care of ourselves and how to interact with the world.
I must say I am enjoying this part of parenting way more then the wordless babe stage. Now we communicate and we share and truly *do* things together. I feel and see the impact.
It is tender and hard and lovely and scary.
He sees us.
He is listening.
And is waving hello to make friends on the playground. And kissing boo boos - mine and his own. And throwing things when he is angry. And melts into a fury when he is tired.
Oh yes, he is watching.
He is holding up a giant mirror showing me how I am.
What a powerful little mirror.
Hope I can keep seeing sweetness and be brave enough to change for both of us when I don't
Labels:
being human,
example setting,
Lewis,
parenthood
Sunday, 24 April 2011
living in the now
And here I am ... back. I have been holding my tongue and my breath for a while now. Scared to write what was happening since I was working over time to not think too hard about it. And inevitably, if I open a blank blog page, the truth is sure to flop out.
It looks like we are going to be in Glasgow for the summer. After much hand -ringing, hallway-pacing, excel spread-sheeting, scenario list-making, nail-chewing and general fretting, my dear husband has landed a contract job for the summer.
Insert GIANT sigh of relief here.
Yes, this is a short-term solution. Yes, we still need to figure out what happens, erm, AFTER summer.
And yet, that, is not now.
Now I can buy flour, baking powder, mustard and peppercorns... things I have been holding off on since a move may have been imminent. (No one ever can find a way to move a half empty jar of mustard across international lines.)
Now I can get my summer clothes out of storage. (Naturally only to look at since it is only about 55F here but a girl can dream.)
Now we can keep L in nursery for his 2life-saving, child-enriching days a week.
Now we can hire a babysitter so we can celebrate our 5 year wedding anniversary along with Kate & Will's wedding on April 29. (yes, they copied us.)
Now I can plan a long overdue trip to the US to see my parents and other mid-westerners.
Now we can enjoy the parks and the flowers and take advantage of the lightness and the warmth and enjoy. (a.k.a. chase Lew as he runs amok throwing gravel or trying to lick wheels, pet strange dogs.)
Now I can make a hair appointment to recreate something that resembles a *hair-style* rather than the multi-coloured, straggly ponytail.
Now we can plan, really plan, what our next step is.
Three months isn't all that long, really.
But to me, to us, for now
It is everything.
It looks like we are going to be in Glasgow for the summer. After much hand -ringing, hallway-pacing, excel spread-sheeting, scenario list-making, nail-chewing and general fretting, my dear husband has landed a contract job for the summer.
Insert GIANT sigh of relief here.
Yes, this is a short-term solution. Yes, we still need to figure out what happens, erm, AFTER summer.
And yet, that, is not now.
Now I can buy flour, baking powder, mustard and peppercorns... things I have been holding off on since a move may have been imminent. (No one ever can find a way to move a half empty jar of mustard across international lines.)
Now I can get my summer clothes out of storage. (Naturally only to look at since it is only about 55F here but a girl can dream.)
Now we can keep L in nursery for his 2
Now we can hire a babysitter so we can celebrate our 5 year wedding anniversary along with Kate & Will's wedding on April 29. (yes, they copied us.)
Now I can plan a long overdue trip to the US to see my parents and other mid-westerners.
Now we can enjoy the parks and the flowers and take advantage of the lightness and the warmth and enjoy. (a.k.a. chase Lew as he runs amok throwing gravel or trying to lick wheels, pet strange dogs.)
Now I can make a hair appointment to recreate something that resembles a *hair-style* rather than the multi-coloured, straggly ponytail.
Now we can plan, really plan, what our next step is.
Three months isn't all that long, really.
But to me, to us, for now
It is everything.
Friday, 1 April 2011
the beginning, the middle and the end
Things are changing in my life.
Some faster than I can track, some achingly slow and some that are just hovering, waiting to land.
Not all of it feels comfortable to write *out loud* yet. Even in my own head.
And it made me think of this beautiful poem, Aristotle, by Billy Collins.
This is the beginning.
Almost anything can happen.
This is where you find
the creation of light, a fish wriggling onto land,
the first word of Paradise Lost on an empty page.
Think of an egg, the letter A,
a woman ironing on a bare stage
as the heavy curtain rises.
This is the very beginning.
The first-person narrator introduces hirnself,
tells us about his lineage.
The mezzo-soprano stands in the wings.
Here the climbers are studying a map
or pulling on their long woolen socks.
This is early on, years before the Ark, dawn.
The profile of an animal is being smeared
on the wall of a cave,
and you have not yet learned to crawl.
This is the opening, the gambit,
a pawn moving forward an inch.
This is your first night with her,
your first night without her.
This is the first part
where the wheels begin to turn,
where the elevator begins its ascent,
before the doors lurch apart.
This is the middle.
Things have had time to get complicated,
messy, really. Nothing is simple anymore.
Cities have sprouted up along the rivers
teeming with people at cross-purposes—
a million schemes, a million wild looks.
Disappointment unshoulders his knapsack
here and pitches his ragged tent.
This is the sticky part where the plot congeals,
where the action suddenly reverses
or swerves off in an outrageous direction.
Here the narrator devotes a long paragraph
to why Miriam does not want Edward's child.
Someone hides a letter under a pillow.
Here the aria rises to a pitch,
a song of betrayal, salted with revenge.
And the climbing party is stuck on a ledge
halfway up the mountain.
This is the bridge, the painful modulation.
This is the thick of things.
So much is crowded into the middle—
the guitars of Spain, piles of ripe avocados,
Russian uniforms, noisy parties,
lakeside kisses, arguments heard through a wall—
too much to name, too much to think about.
And this is the end,
the car running out of road,
the river losing its name in an ocean,
the long nose of the photographed horse
touching the white electronic line.
This is the colophon, the last elephant in the parade,
the empty wheelchair,
and pigeons floating down in the evening.
Here the stage is littered with bodies,
the narrator leads the characters to their cells,
and the climbers are in their graves.
It is me hitting the period
and you closing the book.
It is Sylvia Plath in the kitchen
and St. Clement with an anchor around his neck.
This is the final bit
thinning away to nothing.
This is the end, according to Aristotle,
what we have all been waiting for,
what everything comes down to,
the destination we cannot help imagining,
a streak of light in the sky,
a hat on a peg, and outside the cabin, falling leaves.
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