why the playground scares me

I'll be the first to admit it. I am impressionable. If someone I like and respect tells me something or points out something to me I hadn't seen before, the seed is well and truly planted.

My grip in my parenting is often wobbly. I am finding scores of really interesting blogs and reads about kinds of parenting, ways to be positive, be connected, stay calm,  be an example, etc. It is just the kind of reading that hooks me and also frees me. Gives a bit of direction to point my sorry ass self in when I am stuck with my own temper or cluelessness about how to best help Lew.

(Here's just a few I am particularly obsessive about consulting)

• Ahaparenting.com
• Positive Parenting - Toddlers and Beyond
• Natural Child Project
• Dr Sears

So I read these and I feel good. I feel like I have some ways to "be" and a bit of extra confidence that I am doing OK by my boy and not totally screwing him up yet.   We are happy, we are connected, we are making it!

And then we go to the playground. The playground in the park near our house is really designed for bigger kids, but tell that to sweet Lewis, who has been conquering the big steps and big slide since he was 1.  It is fun it a little daunting to let him explore and play, albeit with a sharp eye, possible hovering and lots of "carefuls".  He loves being around other kids and part of the "scene." 

Here's where I go tense and want to leave:

 ... the big kids come.  3-5 year olds are HUGE. They are STRONG. And FAST. And truly are not yet wired to care about a toddler's feelings ("Go away" "Stop following us" or ignoring small Lew's wave hello) or well being as they zip by him or knock him over. So that gets me. I don't expect little kids to get it. I do expect their parents to be 1% watching though. And so often they just aren't paying a lick of attention.

 ... I also sometimes see parents treating their kids in a very different way than I want to treat mine.  Not listening. Bullying. Not watching. Ignoring. My stomach knots. I know know know that I do not have the answers and everyone deals in their own way.  My parenting instincts are mine -- I get that. It is just very hard to witness upset kids being ignored. Here I am full frontal faced with my fears of bad parenting. And. I. Must. Flee.

I sometimes think Lewis and I need this cocoon of time together for me to get better and clearer about what kind of parent I want to be. My impressionable side at this point simply cannot watch parenting behaviour that I do not want to copy.

I do not want to judge any parents. I don't WANT to be judged. It is a serious job and  we are all in our own boat. And yet I find that my incredibly helpful resources (see above) direct me in such a different way.

Until I can start to look at other families with more compassion, and be more rooted in my own gentle parenting, and Lewis can get up those slide stairs on his own, I think you'll see us at the playground only during the quiet hours.

Hopefully I'll be listening to Lewis, letting him play without too much direction, helping when he needs it, watching him, giving lots of love and we'll be walking home holding hands. 

what I've learned in 6 weeks of motherhood

1. Doing one household chore a day is an accomplishment. Load of laundry or making a meal or changing the sheets or paying the bills. The operative word is ONE.
2. Little fingernails are sharp
3. On demand feeding is, well, demanding. And leaves little time for anything else
4. Taking a book out of the library doesn't mean you will read it
5. Babies make you stupid and unable to really hold a proper conversation
   
6. You start to talk in the 3rd person to your spouse in a passive aggressive way ... "Daddy is making a mess in the kitchen." "Daddy is taking his sweet time getting ready"
7. You will do anything to insure getting sleep, like going to bed at 8 pm every night and following the same pattern because it worked once
   
8. Boobs are just food and they come out everywhere
   
9. Smiles and giggles from your little one reduce you to a pool of mush
10. It is vital to all persons to get outside and get air every single day
11. Hideous windy Scotland rain makes number 10 challenging
12. You can't imagine how any single parent copes
13. Breastfeeding may burn off as many as 600 calories a day, but eating miniature Snicker bars in bed while nursing may counterbalance any weight loss
14. You can't help comparing your baby and your parenting to other people, even if you don't want to
15. You root and cheer for burbs and farts, but only from your little one
16. You know you are supposed to cherish every minute but secretly sometimes wish he was 4, potty trained and could chat with you
17. Fashion goes by the way of easy-access-breast-whipping out tops
18. Sleeping on your stomach is as lovely as you remember
19. You find yourself squeezing your boobs in public without a second thought to check which one is fullest
20. Watching your son and your husband smile at each other gives you utter blissful feelings
21. You still can't believe this small person is yours and wonder when the grown ups are going to show up
22. Hours fly by like minutes when you are having quiet time staring at the little one
23. You do indeed check to make sure he is breathing if things have been too blissfully quiet for too long
24. You envy the baby's adorable snugly outfits and wish you could pull them off
25. When you get even a moment, you realise how happy you are