Friday, 27 May 2011

ode to Fridays


  • a slow, unfocused walk
  • closing my eyes for whole moments 
  • entering the inner world of my clients and being in someone else's shoes for a while 
  • walking up and down each aisle, giving my full consideration to the vegetables 
  • noticing the faces as I pass by unencumbered and on my own 
  • the loose end jobs tied 
  • contemplating the state of my fingernails and my wardrobe
    • another cup of tea
    • home in peaceful order
    • 7 hours of being just me

    Friday, 20 May 2011

    19 (really??) months

    Lewie loving Lambie
    Alas, I look up and notice the time.
    About a month since I last blogged.
    About a minute since I did my last load of laundry.
    And a million seconds of L's everyday getting bigger.

    Today, my sweet sausage is 19 months.
    Closer to two years than to one.
    He is a boy.
    A mama loving, dadddieee playing, wheel-obsessed, charming small person.  He knows who he is and says no when he doesn't want something. Although he still says it so sweet (noo noo) that the novelty hasn't worn off.

    He discovered the love for stuffed animals lately, which melts my own personal heart into a quivering sop.  He kisses them, he feeds them (hello gross, stained furry mouths) and he gives them tight cuddles. Right or wrongly, I feel a certain pride that he may have learned how to treat his fuzzy pals in a gentle way, hopefully because we treat him that way.

    It is a reminder that we are his models for human behaviour.  How to manage not getting our way, how to be when we are tired, how to treat each other, how to take care of ourselves and how to interact with the world. 

    I must say I am enjoying this part of parenting way more then the wordless babe stage.  Now we communicate and we share and truly *do* things together. I feel and see the impact.

    It is tender and hard and lovely and scary.
    He sees us.
    He is listening.
    And is waving hello to make friends on the playground. And kissing boo boos - mine and his own.  And throwing things when he is angry. And melts into a fury when he is tired.
    Oh yes, he is watching.
    He is holding up a giant mirror showing me how I am.
    What a powerful little mirror.
    Hope I can keep seeing sweetness and be brave enough to change for both of us when I don't

    Sunday, 24 April 2011

    living in the now

    And here I am ... back. I have been holding my tongue and  my breath for a while now. Scared to write what was happening since I was working over time to not think too hard about it. And inevitably, if I open a blank blog page, the truth is sure to flop out.

    It looks like we are going to be in Glasgow for the summer. After much hand -ringing, hallway-pacing, excel spread-sheeting, scenario list-making, nail-chewing and general fretting, my dear husband has landed a contract job for the summer.

    Insert GIANT sigh of relief here.

    Yes, this is a short-term solution. Yes, we still need to figure out what happens, erm, AFTER summer.

    And yet, that, is not now.

    Now I  can buy flour, baking powder, mustard and peppercorns... things I have been holding off on since a move may have been imminent. (No one ever can find a way to move a half empty jar of mustard across international lines.)

    Now I can get my summer clothes out of storage. (Naturally only to look at since it is only about 55F here but a girl can dream.)

    Now we can keep L in nursery for his 2 life-saving, child-enriching days a week.

    Now we can hire a babysitter so we can celebrate our 5 year wedding anniversary along with Kate & Will's wedding on April 29. (yes, they copied us.)

    Now I can plan a long overdue trip to the US to see my parents and other mid-westerners. 

    Now we can enjoy the parks and the flowers and take advantage of the lightness and the warmth and enjoy. (a.k.a. chase Lew as he runs amok throwing gravel or trying to lick wheels, pet strange dogs.)

    Now I can make a hair appointment to recreate something that resembles a *hair-style* rather than the multi-coloured, straggly ponytail.

    Now we can plan, really plan, what our next step is.

    Three months isn't all that long, really.

    But to me, to us, for now

    It is everything.

    Friday, 1 April 2011

    the beginning, the middle and the end

    Things are changing in my life. 

    Some faster than I can track, some achingly slow and some that are just hovering, waiting to land.

    Not all of it feels comfortable to write *out loud* yet.  Even in my own head. 

    And it made me think of this beautiful poem, Aristotle, by Billy Collins. 

    This is the beginning.
    Almost anything can happen.
    This is where you find
    the creation of light, a fish wriggling onto land,
    the first word of Paradise Lost on an empty page.
    Think of an egg, the letter A,
    a woman ironing on a bare stage
    as the heavy curtain rises.
    This is the very beginning.
    The first-person narrator introduces hirnself,
    tells us about his lineage.
    The mezzo-soprano stands in the wings.
    Here the climbers are studying a map
    or pulling on their long woolen socks.
    This is early on, years before the Ark, dawn.
    The profile of an animal is being smeared
    on the wall of a cave,
    and you have not yet learned to crawl.
    This is the opening, the gambit,
    a pawn moving forward an inch.
    This is your first night with her,
    your first night without her.
    This is the first part
    where the wheels begin to turn,
    where the elevator begins its ascent,
    before the doors lurch apart.

    This is the middle.
    Things have had time to get complicated,
    messy, really. Nothing is simple anymore.
    Cities have sprouted up along the rivers
    teeming with people at cross-purposes—
    a million schemes, a million wild looks.
    Disappointment unshoulders his knapsack
    here and pitches his ragged tent.
    This is the sticky part where the plot congeals,
    where the action suddenly reverses
    or swerves off in an outrageous direction.
    Here the narrator devotes a long paragraph
    to why Miriam does not want Edward's child.
    Someone hides a letter under a pillow.
    Here the aria rises to a pitch,
    a song of betrayal, salted with revenge.
    And the climbing party is stuck on a ledge
    halfway up the mountain.
    This is the bridge, the painful modulation.
    This is the thick of things.
    So much is crowded into the middle—
    the guitars of Spain, piles of ripe avocados,
    Russian uniforms, noisy parties,
    lakeside kisses, arguments heard through a wall—
    too much to name, too much to think about.

    And this is the end,
    the car running out of road,
    the river losing its name in an ocean,
    the long nose of the photographed horse
    touching the white electronic line.
    This is the colophon, the last elephant in the parade,
    the empty wheelchair,
    and pigeons floating down in the evening.
    Here the stage is littered with bodies,
    the narrator leads the characters to their cells,
    and the climbers are in their graves.
    It is me hitting the period
    and you closing the book.
    It is Sylvia Plath in the kitchen
    and St. Clement with an anchor around his neck.
    This is the final bit
    thinning away to nothing.
    This is the end, according to Aristotle,
    what we have all been waiting for,
    what everything comes down to,
    the destination we cannot help imagining,
    a streak of light in the sky,
    a hat on a peg, and outside the cabin, falling leaves.

    Thursday, 24 March 2011

    I think we're alone now

    This is desktop wallpaper called, Quiet, Still, Alone.
    I guess this day was bound to happen.

    Mark away for the day.
    Lewis at nursery.
    Me freaking hallelujah on my own on a day during the week, with no clients. 

    It is a day I have fantasised about. 
    Often.
    No one to pay attention to except me. No nap schedule except my own. I could have on loudest music or be ensconced in calm silence. I could go see a matinee. Or wander aimlessly.  Or walk with purpose and intent to get somewhere. Somewhere NEW! Somewhere that babies aren't allowed. OR I could read! Or think clever thoughts. Call friends. Do some marketing for coaching. Take a water wastingly long, hot shower.

    It is now 1:30 in the afternoon.

    No long leisurely shower.  (OK any shower for that fact)


    No smart thoughts about anything.


    No dancing in my underwear a la Risky Business.


    I dropped off the boy and ...

    I have eaten nachos.

    I have washed and folded 3 loads of laundry.

    I have emptied the dishwasher and all the garbages. 

    I have organized the recyclables.

    I managed a Sainsbury delivery.

    I changed the sheets.

    And I have cleaned the flat.

    And now, I think ... I don't know what do.

    There is only a little bit more free time.  It is fleeting. And going fast.

    This is what happens, I think, to mothers. First reaction is to do the normal things. 

    And do them in peace. And fast. And with concentration.  Alone. Blissfully.

    It feels so relaxing to be alone. To take one's eyes off the ball (or kid as it were) and just let the mind flop a bit. 

    Is this the new dream? To be silent in my brain? Those other things sure sound nice. And what feels even nicer is to know those things are still out there.

    I just think I'd need several weeks of this quiet to remember how. 






    Saturday, 12 March 2011

    going under

    Friday's  note from the Universe told me that wisdom arrives in silence.

    Silent is what I have been feeling lately. Not that I have nothing to say. But more that my words go in circles. I find myself at a weird juncture, causing me to walk carefully without attachment to my current situation.

    Looks like dear husband's job really really going to end soon and we are now looking at some rather dramatic options to our next step. Rent out our (lovely, big, perfect) flat and go live somewhere for as free as possible. In Laws. And await a job. And decide if the US is that next place to be.

    This level of Get Ready to Jump is putting my running our household/laundry doing/house stocking/cleaning/care taking//friendship nurturing /social outreach right into a state of emergency. And then ultimately a state of unattachment.

    Do I have to let go of *this* in order to reach what's next? How tight is my grip on keeping things the same? What am I preventing by this? What do I need to let go of? What's really important here? What's scaring me about leaving? What scares me about staying?

    Yeah- those are the twilrlings in my noggin. All big thinkings and all insider jobs, done a bit in, well, silence.

    What's emerging in that silence is sometimes complete acceptance. (Hey, I am not MARRIED to Glasgow, we can make new friends and lighten our load of *stuff* and just GO. ) Othertimes it is more desparate clinging and hand wringing (I LOVE our home, we finally own everything, I love our friends and the neighbourhood and out life here and Lew is happy and we are settled, finally settled for a while and I DON'T WANNA GO. Stamp foot.)

    What else is emerging is that I have done this all before. What I need is trust. Hope. Lean into what's possible, dream more about what it is we WANT in our future. ( I see Seattle, a cute house, Mark's GREAT job, more babies and a lovely lifestyle)

    AND AND AND ... it may be something else.  Something I have not yet dreamed of.

    What I know is it matters that we are a) together b) happy c) OK.

    The rest can come.

    Even as I type I can feel the undercurrents of this going under.

    It resonates.

    When I am silent. 

    Wednesday, 9 March 2011

    upwardly mobile

    Two developments have really surfaced these last weeks.

    Walking
    We have a full-on bonified WALKING boy. Outside. In the World. Where there is glass and cigarette butts and giant bumpy holes in the sidewalk where little feet can trip. Where cars/trucks/bikes/taxis/buses and all manner of the wheeled which we look at and point to from the pram or out the window in our flat are  in 3-D... zooming past, parked on the street and omnipresent. 

    Mixing with the world
    Nursery for 2 days a week. It was a rough entry for me us.  It was hard to be away from him and he came home absolutely exhausted. But within weeks he slept there, played HARD at really fun things that we don't have at home (music class and giant cars and 8 other toddlers), charmed the ladies and now runs to get there in the morning.  I vacillate from missing him and exuberant rejoicing. I run around the house like  on speed and cram in all the Need 2 Hands jobs. I eat lunch in front of the TV. I savour the quiet. And zooooom. It is time to get him. I get excited butterflies as I walk down the stairs to get him at the nursery.  It is a blissful reunion each day. He is all smiles and all arms out running towards me. For that alone -- the short time apart so we really really miss each other and are excited to be back in each other's company, it is worth it.

    Thursday, 3 February 2011

    now we're talking

    We are entering a new phase with our boy ... words. Or moreover, pointing and demanding to know what something is called.  It is darling, really, except is becoming a game show of guessing.

    Lewis: pointing up,"Da???"
    Mommy: Sky? Light? Birdy?

    Lewis: pointing to his head "Ha"
    Mommy: Hair? Head?

    Lewis: pointing to the street "Ca"
    Mommy: Cars?

    Lewis pointing in the kitchen: "Ma"
    Mommy: Mug? Water?

    I just keep naming things until he smiles. I had thought it is because I named what he wanted. Now that I think about it, it is maybe just that he is finding my frantic ping ponging of naming exercise humorous.

    He can name cheese (cheeeeee) cream cheese (chee cheee), chicken (kik), balloon (baaallo), ball (baaa), dog (daaa).  And anything with wheels deserves a point. Cars, buses, bikes, prams. Over and over and over. And has put together that something like water is in the vases, in the sink, in his cup and all sorts of weird places.  Pots (pa) and pans (pah) have covers (off= ooof and on = ahhh) and putting various their lids on things is enormously fun.

    What is enormously fun for me is seeing his brain literally expand right in front of me.  I can see the lights of understanding go on. Wow. And we can talk!  I say things and he understands me.  I ask him to go get something and he does. Miracle.  I can tell him what we are going to do.  (Time for bed, let's go outside, let's have a snack, let's find Daddy.)  It feels respectful and collaborative now that we can *be* together in a different way.  He points to people in photos around the house and names them.  I am pleased to note he has recognised me in a picture, as well as Da and Baba (Auntie Barbara!)

    I can't always guess or translate his insistent "ba!!!!!" and enthisiastic pointing but I can try.  I can listen to him and hear what is is saying behind the words. What I want him to know is that I am here and I hear him.

    Monday, 24 January 2011

    it is all working out perfectly

    Isn't that a lovely way to think?  I have been living in a bit of a white knuckle existence lately.  Getting through the day has been enough, and no space for dreaming or believing. Instead, I have been super glued to the outcome of  *this is how it must be*.  It is a very narrow corridor to live in.

    After talking to my dear pal Lex, she has inserted magically (she is sneaky) that thought into my brain ... things are working out perfectly.  Huh.  I know I, like everyone in the world, can get very attached to How Things Are. And it is scary to think about the unknown or about change.  Letting the notion that things are actually working our perfectly is so liberating.  It loosens the vice grip and drops the shoulders and lets my brain sigh with relief a bit.

    I know this on some cellular level after all.  I recall a very bleak period in 2004. My job sucked, I was 36 and the love of my life moved to another country, my studio apartment of over 10 FREAKING years was closing in, and I felt very very stuck.

    Ah, yes, then enter coaching, gulps, bravery, big leaps, learning, and we all know how the story unfolded. Me in the UK, married, baby, happy career, way expanded way of living and a completely different life. A good one.

    I never could have seen what goodies universe had cooking up for me. I never could have dreamed this one up.  So I know (KNOW) it is an axiom that works.  It is all working out perfectly.  I just don't know how yet. I do trust that the wildest dreams are not so crazy.

    I just don't have the whole board game in front of me ... but I can trust that the moves I am making, the cards we are playing are going to get us a really great outcome.  Somewhere.

    And the best days can be and are ahead.

    What would be different for you if you believed that too?

    Try it on for fun ... see how it sits. 

    Monday, 10 January 2011

    ready for the miracle

    Sigh.

    Seems we have been here before -- a time when jobs and contracts and futures are uncertain. Continuity of income unclear.  And somehow at the 10th or 11th hour, things work out. Usually for the best. Usually pretty seamlessly.

    So why does this feel different? Because we have an actual mortgage? Because we have a child? Because so much of my time, attention and dwindling energies are all but spent loving and caring for a 15 month boy and I don't have much to "do" except support and hope?

    Yes.

    It is time again to believe in the universal goodness that things will evolve as they should. And trust that.

    An 11th hour miracle would do nicely, but how about at the nice and early 8th hour instead?

    Tuesday, 4 January 2011

    21 2011 intentions

    1. drive
    2. read
    3. procreate
    4. laugh
    5. learn
    6. earn
    7. savour
    8. love
    9. parent
    10. expand
    11. improve
    12. choose
    13. write
    14. relax
    15. tickle
    16. hug
    17. cook
    18. sleep
    19. enjoy
    20. befriend
    21. intend

    Thursday, 30 December 2010

    2010 Greatest Hits

    Really?
    Is it almost over?
    2010 ... I hardly knew yee. Blinked twice and you are just about gone.

    My year felt odd -- with lots of starts and stops and long quiet moments and blurry days that zoomed without notice.

    I think know parenthood has altered my perception of time and often it gets judged by when a nap is due.

    So this year felt Big. So many small and daily changes in my boy have added up into him being a real person. They are great hits indeed -- and yet I feel compelled to cough up a few that are not only about my child.  After all, my own personal year rocked in many ways.

    2010 Greatest Hits
    • cancer free FJF 
    • Lewie giggles and kisses
    • fit flops
    • audiobooks
    • finding my mothering feet
    • smaller jeans
    • longer patience
    • baby friends becoming real friends
    • having a work from home husband
    • 12 months of Lewis growing from cute baby to lovely small person
    • Cail Bruich on Great Western Road
    • guideparents
    • movies with wine and rhona
    • employing a cleaner
    • new Bosch washer and dryer
    • cat burglar family
    • sanity saving Saturdays off
    Bring on 2011.  My aspiration list is long and my hopes big.

    Friday, 17 December 2010

    freeze frame-14 months minus 3 days

    My boy is a boy ... no longer a baby. Whew!
    Thank god for that. While it doesn't get easier, but different, I am so enjoying him at this moment in time.
    • Favourite word still BA! But said in different tones along with pointed pointing to get his point across.
    • Also knows Ba Ba (bye bye) -- often said along with a wave long after you are gone from the person you left, but still counts. 
    • Eats lots but enjoys baby plum tomatoes, yogurt, peas and peanut butter toast more than anything.
    • Made friends with the salad spinner but still wary of the hoover and the hand held blender
    • Loves to stand on the window sill (with Mom holding him tight!) and look out at the world
    • Almost exclusively walks with the occasional crawl when he wants to get somewhere fast
    • Fascinated by wheels. Sigh. Hello gender stereo type.
    • Adult used pots/pans/phones/remotes are by far best toys
    • JUST started to like cuddly friends, which I LOVE
    • Will give kisses - wet and sweet
    • Much more hair than he had - wispy and light brown but still pretty much a baldy compared to his pals
    • Blue eyes seems to be keepers -- which is a lovely gift from his paternal Gran
    • Enjoys a bit of In the Night Garden on mom's lap
    • Balls -- kicking/throwing/eating = all good
    • Flirts shamelessly for smiles and coos with all people out in the world
    • Has zillion dollar smile and gabillion dollar giggle
    • Takes up almost all the real estate in his parent's bed and hearts

    Saturday, 23 October 2010

    what I've learned in 12 months

    People have been asking me how I feel about having a 1-year old. And to be honest, it never occurred to me to be anything except relieved.  And didn't it go fast? Well, only in retrospect.  The days were often an exercise in Getting Through. Nights sometimes a blur.  I felt like I was often riding the crest of managing it all only to fall into near collapse as soon as the boy had finally fallen asleep for the night.

    Honestly, I found this year many things: Surreal. Testing. Surprising. Lovely. Engrossing. Frustrating. Scary. Tender. Enriching. And, well, HARD!

    Maybe it is because I never ever babysat or had any experience with babies except for an occasional, quick and fearful hold of a pal's offspring.  I've never been broody.  Babies seemed nice, if foreign beings.

    And my own sweet boy really was no exception. I remember going out with him in total fear that he would kick off crying and I Wouldn't. Know. How. To. Make. It. STOP.

    And in fact, that did happen on occasion.  I often felt like he was an unpredictable bomb which may go off at any time.  It made me twitchy and jumpy.  Not that he was by any means a particularly fussy or troubled wee babe.  I was just a fussy and troubled mum. 

    Slowly, very slowly, I started to trust myself. Started to understand what he wanted, needed and took pride that going into MY arms often made it all better.

    And now. Yes, Really only now, 12 months later, do I feel a bit calmer.

    More space to relax into motherhood. Relish in the sunny, clear and uncomplicated love. Soak in the loveliness of holding hands. 

    And in getting to know my very sweet, smiling, curious, affectionate and heart melting boy, I am growing into the mother I want to be.

    But the best thing is hearing my very favourite all time word.

    Mama.

    Saturday, 11 September 2010

    time to think

    My transition from non parent to parent is still a bit clunky. After almost eleven months of sliding along the scale of Not Really Worrying At All to Complete Obsession and 200% attachment to Getting Things Right, I am feeling a bit fried.

    My pal and parenting mentor Hanna told me that parenting really underscores your personal failings and your personal  abilities.  Hooo Haaa. Very right. My failings are really in bold these days.

    I can spend many many hours paying attention, and playing and encouraging and keeping the boy from ovens, sockets, fireplaces, corners, toilets,  pointy things. I distract while swiftly changing a nappy on a standing, crawling and squirming boy. I even assist on  *some* of the poopy ones. (One of the many reasons I love Mark. ) I can read and cuddle and soothe and tickle. I plan the meals he will eat. And those that his parents may even enjoy too. I marvel over his chewing and drinking and feeding his small self many food items while not losing my shit that so much of it is being thrown overboard the high chair tray or at me. I nurse. I prepare the many items needed for our outings to music class, swimming, a walk in the park or a lunch date. I restock. I launder. I go up and down the stairs. I walk the hills. I monitor mood shift and eye rubbing for the near imperceptible but imperative signs that a nap is needed ... within the next 10 minutes or Never. I coo and stroke and hum and mmmmm and head rub to sleep. Sometimes up to 45 minutes. Three times a day.

    It is no great surprise that on the Saturdays that I have declared "mine" I have a hard time relinquishing control of all of the above.  Mark knows how and what to do yet I watch and listen to myself snarkily reminding of naps, what happens "now" and interpreting all situations like he isn't here every day. (um, he is. He knows.)  I cringe when I hear myself. It is like those people who won't call in sick to work when they are sick because they are "too needed". Phooey.  The boy will be more than fine with his pop. He will enjoy the different style of parenting his company.

    It is a bit of a racket, this motherhood trap we can get in. I want to be more than a mom/ I AM more than a mom. And yet I find it so easy to gets sucked into the very minutae of the routine of caring for a baby. It literally does my head in.

    And it is also no great shakes that here on my day off, I am a bit unsure what to do with myself. Part of me cries to go OUT. On my OWN. See movies! Drink coffee in public quietly and READ!  Window shop! Paint my toes! See Friends!  Exercise! Explore! Get a hobby! SLEEP! All the things I crave when I am in full motherhood mode and my attention and psychic energies are all used up. Yet when the day gets here, I Just. Want. To. Stop. Doing. Ahhhhh. Commence staring into space and emptying head of all attention to anyone anything.

    What I am learning is that I need perspective. Over and Over. I need to loosen the white knuckle grip. I need to relax. Much More. I need to practice being a different kind of parent ... the laid back kind. I need to be a mother and so much more.  I need to work on the much more part.  I need to give myself permission to get it wrong sometimes. I need to be less grumpy and more grateful. I need to trust my co-parent. I need to find a new balance between Caring and Attentive Mother and Crazy and Controlling Meanie.

    And I need time to think.

    Friday, 3 September 2010

    pause: 10 months, 2 weeks




    • 8 teeth!
    • says mama, and I "know" he means me!
    • crawls very fast without using knees (all hands and feet)
    • stands all the time, but must hold onto something
    • refuses to lie down for nappy changing. (see stands all the time)
    • points at Every. Thing. And grunts crazily until you give him the object of his pointing
    • starting to use a baby fork, even if only to stab blindly and wildly at the highchair and then fling it at a parent
    • loves blueberries, cheese, cherries and whole plums (minus the pits, naturally) and natural yogurt
    • wants to drink out of Your Cup, no matter what you have
    • made friends with the exercise ball
    • now scared of the salad spinner
    • knows not his physical boundries and climbs atop of other babies when mingling. Not all the babies love this. 
    • loves being chased around the house
    • can put round peg in round hole but all other shapes make him mad
    • pushes upturned laundry basket around the house as his "high tech" walker
    • likes to take muslins and "clean"
    • naps are a crap shoot and can last 1.5 hours or be refused entirely
    • has fallen asleep at the dinner table in his high chair. twice.
    • washing machine is the best show in town
    • claps at most things
    • waves bye bye, but about 3 minutes after you actually leave and are down the road
    • Mark claims he has said monkey and woof woof, but one time only and never to be repeated
    • facinated with cupboards, doors, lights
    • starting to be a b-o-y not a baby!

    Wednesday, 14 July 2010

    pause: 8 months and 4 weeks and 1 day

    I have been a really crap memory keeper.  I still don't have a wedding album, most of my photos from the last 10 years are boxed and/or stored various places in the world.  And I have not done ANY real record keeping of baby milestones. I was home recently and went through many of my keepsake boxes in my parent's basement.

    a) wow, I wrote a LOT of notes in grade school
    b) wow, I can't believe how much of my childhood stuff my parents KEPT... and moved ... and moved again.

    I would very much like to be the kind of parent that has lovely scrapbooks of tickets and locks of hair and cute appropriate first photos -- all labeled and dated and official.  And I am afraid it isn't going to happen.  Not now anyway...

    In theory, I am that person, but I somehow can't be arsed as it seems so tedious.  Can I blame not having a basement to store things?

    Instead, maybe I can capture moments in time of what it is like for Lew in his life on this day.

    8 months and 4 weeks

    • loves toast, yogurt, water and cheese. (who is his mother) and vegetables (who is his father). and breastmilk (the kid has good taste)
    • 3.5 teeth -- 2 bottoms and 1 front and 1/2 of the other front... fangs imminent
    • crawling fast and furiously, pulling up on furniture, learning to fall gracefully on his nice padded bum instead of crashing with his head
    • loves people -- smiles at all strangers and loves attention. a serious ham-bone and loves other babies -- and of course his mom and dad
    • takes 2 naps a day, usually at 10ish and at 2ish. Bath at 6:30 ish and bed at 7 and sleeps with a few wake ups until about 7
    • peek a boo makes him seriously CRACK up
    • loves music and watching (hearing?) people sing
    • not all that interested in stuffed animals, but likes balls, wheels and things he can shove in his mouth, which is actually pretty big
    • First noise (not really a word) was BA - then MA MA (which is CLEARLY a word) and we get the only occasional (sorry Mark) DA.
    • Is scared of the vacuum cleaner and my exercise ball
    • Has been very squirmy but starting to chill out and sit nicely on a lap
    • Goes to sleep listening to lullabies
    • Hates hats
    • And bibs
    • Will not let you feed him
    • Has a heart melting smile
    • Likes to hold hands and lots of cuddles
    • Books are OK as long as they have stuff to feel
    • Makes friends everywhere he goes -- each line of each shop ...
    • Leaves no corner unexplored, especially where we haven't baby proofed
    • Is genuinely good company
    • Has blue eyes which if they remain, will be from his paternal grandmother!
    • Is currently called Lewberry or Lewbear
    • Gets very busy sorting things (in his own categories unbeknownst to anyone else)
    • Has very light brown hair and very fine and what looks to be his uncle g's hairline
    • Shrieks inexplicably 
    • Grabs glasses, pulls hair and bits of flesh
    • Drools constantly
    • Is adored by his parents
    • Emerging to be an exciting, curious, loving, sweet, sociable boy -- just like we ordered!

    Saturday, 10 July 2010

    sweating all the smallest stuff


    I recently realized that I do approximately 2-3 loads of laundry EACH day. Now even including the MustWashAllClothesEachTimeHeWearsThem 8 month old, that is a whole more laundry than 3 people warrant.  I am obsessed.

    I have made it my cottage industry to never have anything in the laundry bins.  Sheets, towels, kitchen tea towels, baby bibs, bathroom rugs ... all get such a regular rotation that my new shiny Bosch may be getting tired.  Ever since the discovery of the multi-wash setting -- it all gets thrown in as one. Often.

    I have decided somewhere in my addled brain that if I KEEP UP I will Remain In Control.
    Keep up with laundry. Keep up with supplies in the house.  Keep up with Facebook. And, well, that is all about I can keep up with.

    Where did I get this idea?

    I have a baby.

    So very many things are now out of my control.  He is dictating so many of my day's outputs.
    The baby nap has become the central defining core of my days.  Must. Get. Him. To. Sleep. 2 Naps. At All Costs.  I contort  to shush him and play the many many presleep games we have somehow adopted for hours, I walk endlessly in all manner of weather and mood in quiet (dare not a CAR drive by and wake the babe) parts of the park.  I wind down the baby wolverine from warp speed (MUST CLIMB MUST STAND MUST MUST...)  to mmmmmmmm, nursing ... to zzzzzzzzz.

    It is freaking hard work.  And I find I get crazy annoyed if all my best efforts, well, fail. (I guess We WON'T BE NAPPING THEN!)

    I am a crazy person.

    I currently sleep on 2 inches of my bed while my co-sleeping child lies spread eagle and husband gets 3 inches. (Note, our summer project is Reclaim The Bed: a much hyped and no action item to do so far...)

    I haven't dried my hair with an actual hair dryer in about (no lie) 5 months.

    I am  woefully aware of all the dangers in our flat that we have yet to conquer -- so many edges and corners and finger snapping traps and climbable and pull able things.  I try to be vigilant that he is able to be a free range kid and also a safe one.

    This means I am on my hands and knees too.

    I got a (thank you Jesus) massage today and the therapist agreed that I am indeed "broken".

    I need some balance. I need to chill out about the naps and the laundry. I need to be OK with more chaos. I need to stop trying to recreate what worked and pay attention to what's happening. My boy is growing and growing fast.  Nearly walking for chissake.

    I can see how easy it would be to make my life's work about worrying the smallest  bits to death.  I could do nothing but keep the house tidy, laundry clean  and our 3 square meals a day hot and ready. But man what would I be missing.  And how empty would my life be at the end of it? Things will always get dirty again. Meals are gobbled up and gone.

    I want to be a provider of safety and cuddles and giggles. And I want my boy to remember my smile, not my furrowed brow and busy hands.

    Do I dare let the laundry pile up? What happens when I kill the control freak within? When I let go will it all crumble?   Or is that when space to sweat and recognize the big stuff comes in?

    Thursday, 24 June 2010

    what a girl wants

    I had 5 minutes recently and scribbled a list of Things I Would Like to Do To Stay Normal.

    It was surprisingly short. And surprisingly simple.
    1. Read books
    2. Talk to Lex
    3. Write in blog
    4. Go out with friends for dinner alone
    5. Go out with Mark alone
    6. Go to movies on my own
    7. Exercise class
    Those are the things in my life I am not doing that I want to do.  I note that 6 of the 7 are things On My Own.  I think that is the theme.  As much as I love being a mom, I am craving silence in my head and having my attentions elsewhere.  Now he is crawling and seriously mobile, it will be even more of a challenge to keep my eyes on HIM at all times. 

    My eyes need to glaze over sometimes. Or stare at a big movie screen showing an independent film as I eat some smuggled bakery. My eyes need to focus on a juicy novel for 30 or more minutes at a stretch. My eyes need to see nightlife and humanity outside of the home after 6 p.m. 

    My ears need to be free of straining to hear a pip or a squeak from the baby monitor. Turning the volume down on all noise in the house. I need to be loud. I need to get out. 

    My brain needs to express the big and small revelations of my life. Witness and record some happenings. I have been too lax at letting the days turn to nights over and over without stopping to be grateful or to notice. 

    My body needs more than the endless pram walking I do each day.  Up hills. With a heavy load. I need to wear Lycra and sweat. 

    Needing time as a couple. Needing time alone. Needing time with friends. 

    Is simple.

    They say children grow well when their parents grow well.  

    I think it is time I do a bit of growing. 

    Wednesday, 28 April 2010

    double digits

    Tomorrow is the 10th anniversary of meeting my husband (well, within 2 days of) and our 4th year of marriage.

    Seriously.

    I can't think of many things I have done for 10 years in a row, especially cheerfully and willingly.

    (I have mastered waaaaaaaaay more than 10 years of eating too many cheese sandwiches and ditto on many years of not balancing my checkbook)

    But 10 years of loving the same man really feels pretty easy after it is all said and done. I think, in fact, it is weirdly getting easier.  

    I pay homage to how a midwestern girl and a english boy have melded their lives together and created a new one. And also created a new person too.

    I remember saying that I had never met anyone like M before and it still holds true.

    He is an original. A mensch. A hard worker. An energy ball. A warm heart. A cool temper. A generous soul. And now proving to be a supreme dad.



    I still feel like the cat who got the cream.