ready for the miracle

Sigh.

Seems we have been here before -- a time when jobs and contracts and futures are uncertain. Continuity of income unclear.  And somehow at the 10th or 11th hour, things work out. Usually for the best. Usually pretty seamlessly.

So why does this feel different? Because we have an actual mortgage? Because we have a child? Because so much of my time, attention and dwindling energies are all but spent loving and caring for a 15 month boy and I don't have much to "do" except support and hope?

Yes.

It is time again to believe in the universal goodness that things will evolve as they should. And trust that.

An 11th hour miracle would do nicely, but how about at the nice and early 8th hour instead?

internal pacing

So, here I am, almost 16 weeks into this gig of pregnancy. Nothing to "do" about it except take care of myself. Doing all the proscribed 'right' things -- no booze, caffeine, nitrates, raw things, medications, soft cheese, etc. Lots of sleeping, lots of walking, started prenatal yoga.

CHECK. CHECK. CHECK.

And we have LOADS of time before we really have to have things done and dusted, baby room-wise.

So, yay for me! TIME! Freedom! Things I hear are mighty scarce once one becomes a new parent. Never to sleep as soundly again. I so so so get that. So we have 2 mini trips planned. And see movies. And go out into the world. And be loud.

So why do I not feel really free? I feel like I am pacing inside. Preoccupied. Now that I am latched on firmly to the notion of growing a person and then becoming a mother to the person, most other things seem to pale a bit. It is like knowing you have a REALLY BIG party to go to and you are excited and nervous and wonder what it will be like. And it isn't for another 5 months.

It is the preparty equivalent of obsessing about What to Wear and Over Applying Lipstick.

I think I need some living to kick me into realizing that this is it.

I need to get out of my navel. The baby will grow without my furrowed brow and one track mind.

Time for those trips away to change up the scenery and expand my mind along with my belly!

blogging lameness

Yeah. Not much action here lately.

Since I have been back from R4, I realise I have kind of  gone south and AWOL, blogging-wise.

Not sure if it is the sheer delight to be Not Going Anywhere for a while. 

Or completing the Doing Hard Things and Growing as a Leader, which has wonderfully captured my attention for the last 11 months. 

Or maybe since we are still a wondering about the future of Mark's continuity of income.

Or perhaps the easy throwaway updates that Facebook allows. "Carol is ... Not Updating Her Blog with anything substantial since Facebook is to easy and lazy"

But I know. Lame. 

Sometimes when I am avoiding thinking I think I avoid posting because it inevitably forces me to speak my truth. 

So I am postponing  my  Smart Thinking, New Projects, Forward March mentality until the nice 2009.  

Beauty and order. Christmas and cozies. Home and hearth. Visitors and fun.

These are my current priorities. And I hope that from them, from that, the rest will follow.

living with uncertainty

I know about control freakery. 

Planning in your head how things "will" go.  And when they don't (which of course they don't) it rocks the core of one's being.  I very much used to live in that awful reality.  Which is not a very easy place to live.  It is uncompromising and rigid. And really not all that practical. 

And over the last 10 years I have had so much practice in letting some of that go.  Of being with what is. Of being with what unexpected surprise shows up. And of being with not knowing.

I look back to the DC days when we lived with the continual and cyclical threat of Mark's having to return to the UK.  Every 6 months for about 3 years we worried and hand wrung.  It absolutely forced me/us to appreciate Today.  Now. This Moment. And This One. And This... 

I have learned to enjoy Not Knowing What's Next.  Hey- life's an adventure, right? And Door Number 3 might be the best one yet!   How exciting! 

I took the leap to leave the comfort of comforts and the constraints of my same same same for 10 years life in DC for 1000% Not Knowing.   Country. Relationship. New Career. And WOW, the gifts that keep on giving on that one. 

We sat through Not Knowing about Mark's BT redundancy.  For months! 

We moved 3 times - each to an entirely new city and even to another country.  Not Knowing.

And in coaching -- myself, others, leadership - - I have really learned that one can prepare - but never *Plan*. (thank you for that lesson, Karen Kimsey House).  It doesn't allow for other stuff to show up.  The unexpected. The rich. The whatever is there. It is a bit of the create from nothing stuff.  It is truth of the moment. 

And now we are again in the pot stewing. What will happen with Mark's job...

Haven't I been practicing? Haven't I gotten the lesson of being loose and waiting for the gift and appreciating the moment of today?  

I wonder what I haven't quite let go of.  What's new here for me to absorb and get.

Because after all those lessons, I was really pretty excited for a little chance to be certain. To Know. And to Plan.  

The world at large feels like they are waiting on tenterhooks with me. (Which I recently learned is not spelled tenderhooks -- which actually feels more appropriate and true to scale.) 

Economies gone a flooey.  Markets utterly turned upside down. Rugs swept from under thousands of feet. 

Lot of uncertainty.  

Yet we wake, we eat, we work, we love, we shop, we plan.  We carry on. 

Not Knowing. 

And what I am now resting my head on are things I am certain about.  And I am finding great comfort in that. 

Sex in the Who Cares City

Seriously.

The movie.

The incessant reruns.

The 'count down' to the movie premiere.

The talk.

The fashion.

The obsession of the dresses.

The plot.

The actresses.

The characters.

Am I the only one who now watches the old episodes cringing? Why did I think these were interesting, much less riveting story lines? All the characters are one demential. The plots are mildly entertaining but seem written mostly to titillate. At the time, it was a bit new to have women characters so up front about sex and relationships. And that was cool. But I resented them all being painted as a shoe slutty man eaters. It gives woman kind a bad name. But fine. The show had its place on the coveted HBO Sunday line up. Especially in my house.

But now it seems the world has missed them SO much. I say- really? Were you gone? Or are we just so hard up for film that we are ready to drudge up a barely old TV show to reclaim it?

SATC- thanks for the memories on the Sunday nights. And for making me occasionally nod in agreement or understanding. But really, I moved on when you did and just can't muster up any enthusiasm for you now. Carrie. Big. Miranda. Charlotte. Samantha. I left you in New York suspended in time and that is actually where I'd like you to stay.

since we last talked

1. I am working hard in a new role at my job. Seriously. Hardly any play time. Seriously. Is interesting and I am doing things like real marketing campaigns and placing national ads and working with agencies and product people and sales. Like a grown up job selling something real. Is novel.

2. Mark's last day of class is tomorrow! Then dissertation and project work only. And emptying the dishwasher. And getting some form of financial input into the family fund. Mostly, glad to have him back.

3. I hurt my back. Or my back hurt me. Time to get some core muscles exercise going. I am too young to be in pain when I put my undies on. Plus, it is embarrassing.

4. Mark turned 37. I hate the 3 months when I am 3 years older rather than the 2.

5. We moved offices and I get to/have to walk to work. See number 3 for reasons to be glad for this.

6. I feel quite boring, hence my lack of inspired or in fact, any posts.

7. The new TV schedule ain't all that. Or a bag of chips. Predictably.

8. It gets dark at 9:30 now, totally screwing with my PJ wearing time, but am managing,

9. Tom & Miri should be having a baby boy any day now.

10. Sinead y Nico bought a house

11. Barbara is working on her website for her new marketing consulting firm, Minerva Marketing.

12. The new season (3) of Gray's Anatomy is finally starting in the UK

13. Some nice Scottish ladies at work told me they "Love my American accent" and that it sounded like "a posh American accent" Whatever that is. Do we have one? Needless to say, I totally loved hearing it,

14. I made pork crackling for Mark's bday dinner. I think it is one of those things one must grow up with to appreciate

15. Kelly is a Dr. and moving to Oh-Hi-Oh for an impressive tenure track life

16. My sister Clarie got a dog Bruno

17. My parents and Barbara are coming to E burgh for a visit this summer

18. I got my hair cut

19. Mark & I are working on Infinite Good Consulting -- our umbrella company for our entrepreneurial ventures of coaching and business building

20. I want more coaching clients. 3 more please.

21. Andy wins as Number One reader as he requested this update, sad as it is.

22. After a full month (no lie) of no washing machine, we got a new one. I heart clean sheets at any time. We had the heinous chore of going to the actual laundrette a few times and it made my 10(!) years of Quebec House laundry room look easy and convenient.