I wonder

I wonder when I will go into labour
I wonder if I will go into labour or if I will have to have something *done* to jump start it
I wonder how I'll cope -- quietly? swearing? not at all? like a champ?
I wonder if I will end up with a C section
I wonder how much L will weigh
I wonder if he will have hair when he comes out
I wonder what it will be like to be someone's mother
I wonder if I will become one of those mothers who becomes obsessed with all things related to her child
I wonder if I will get bored
I wonder how M & I will trade off and work together on being parents
I wonder if I will want to go back to work straight away. Or never.
I wonder what real sleep deprivation would do to me
I wonder if I can get away with not having sleep deprivation
I wonder if I'll be a natural or if everything will feel foreign
I wonder if I will still want to watch all my favourite TV shows and if I will have time
I wonder if I will be able to read
I wonder what it will be like to drink again. And eat runny eggs and sushi.
I wonder if diaper changing will infiltrate my dreams
I wonder when my wedding rings will fit again
I wonder what breast feeding will be like
I wonder what it will be like to go out into the world for the first time with L by myself
I wonder if I will be a freaky worried mom
I wonder if I will want to do it again. Or never.
I wonder if I will ever stop wondering.

38 weeks, 5 days!

And here is how it all looks ...
Waddling has commenced.

the waiting is the hardest part

Sorry Tom Petty. Even as I write that I am not sure that it is strictly true for me.

Yes. It is a little weird to live in suspended anticipation. Like waiting for a package to arrive. A flight to land. The cable guy. An important phone call.

All to come out the bottom end of your body.

Yes. I am helpless to retrieve anything at my feet. Put on my shoes. Walk very far without huffing. Eat very much without reaching for the Gaviscon. Turn over in bed without a project plan and a crane.

My body is very very full. And tired.

Yes. The novelty of pregnancy has worn off a while ago. The sympathy and the empathy and the extra attention has waned. My general crankiness and body woes are old news.

My body is over it.

But somehow, I am still finding small things to do. Today I am making my play lists for labour! Chill CDs and UpBeat CDs! Who knows if I will actually use them, but is sure fun to choose what songs I imagine will make me mellow and breathe and which will spur me on to Keep Going.

I am washing all the wee clothes and blankets.
I am piling more things on the Hospital Bag Pile.
I am having Coffee Dates with Pregnant Pals. (I have never been so popular).
I am reading novels by the boatload.
I am seeing movies.
I am taking naps.
I am downloading Feeding and Diaper tracking apps for my iPhone.

Yet I know the time is coming near. And not just because people who were due before me have now HAD their babies. (which is a pretty loud wake up call). I can feel my body changing. Things shifting south. My hormones cranking up. Odd things making me irritable. Odd things making me cling to Mark.

SO waiting so far is hard. But not the hardest part.

I have a sneaky suspicion that is still to come. The labour. The delivery. The coming home as parents. The enormous change that I am standing at the precipice of. The responsibility. The heartbreaking love I am already having for my boy.

What I can do now is be calm about that.

And not freak.

Be excited that our boy is coming very soon.

And breathe.

prepare yee

When I was in Leadership, Karen Kimsey House said something that really stuck with me. (Well, she said many things that stuck, but this one is germane to this here.)

Planning is often pointless -- things rarely go the way you anticipate. But what you can do is prepare. Prepare and dance with whatever shows up.

This has become my mantra and outlook on birth. I am preparing. Preparing the room, preparing my body, preparing the *stuff*, preparing the rest of my life to slow down, preparing help, preparing my energy levels. Doing what I can do.

I don't know how this boy will come into the world. I have thoroughly thought about the preferences on how I'd LIKE it to go. I've outlined my preferences. And at the end of the day, I have to allow what is going to happen to happen. The truest definition of dancing in the moment I can think of.

I have been getting a lot of Leadership lessons flashing into this experience. Asking for help. Trusting my body. Leaning in 100% to Mark, to my child, my body. Operating with intention. Not getting hung up on the particles (oh so hard not to do) and keeping my stake really clear. Creating space in the level 3. And a bit of failing, recovering and staying.

Who knew all those lessons from last year would come in such waves for me now. I think of the ropes courses we did and I know I can trust my body to deliver what it needs to. To tap into inner wisdom. I have my belay team. They have my rope. And I have me.

Something else Karen said also keeps going through my mind.

There will be a time to get nervous and it isn't yet. I'll let you know when.

Kinder words could not be spoken at the time of serious nerves and fear.

And taking that lesson to heart, I am just not going to get nervous yet.

Lewis will tell me when. And I can tell he is already a pretty smart kid.

ready for action

Wouldn't you like to sleep here?
Sunny lemonade walls and crisp white things?
New and shiny.
At long last the junk room is no more.
100% baby ready.
Alls we need is the kid!
And 4 more weeks of baking the bun.

Nearly

At 36 weeks into this whole Creating a Person Project, it is really starting to look like it is all going to come together.

This weekend, we got the crib/cot ... and watching Mark put it together really hit it all the way home. I mean, he has put together ALL the furniture in our lives and houses, but for some reason, the crib... the crib... wow.

I felt a little like we are in a movie of our lives with a happy soft rock soundtrack playing and featuring snapshots of moments like that one.

So we are getting as ready as one can.

And have created a place I would be happy to sleep in if I was a babe -- sunny, bright, clean, comfortable, quiet, safe and cozy.

It is weird/lovely that we are having someone move in with us. A new person. Who is part of us. Who is OF Us. And is going to up-end all we know about ourselves and our world.

How does anyone really get ready for that?

Open. Curious. In the moment. Intent. Surrender. Clean. Organize. Sleep. Read. Laugh. Rub belly. Kiss husband. Appreciate.

Oh yeah, and wait.

35 weeks

And this is how it all looks at 35 weeks!

Slowing down my slow down.

Life Clubs is passed over for now.

A few clients to finish for now.

Lists to make.

Naps to take.

Worries to abate.

Things for the freezer to create.

Time to pull my weight.

OK, I am out of rhymes. But not things to do.

Lots we still need to "get". And several hospital things to "iron out".

Simultaneously wanting the time to go faster and also stop all together. Ready and Not At All.

An interesting paradox. I am guessing/hoping that one of those will win out sooner or later.