I know about control freakery.
Planning in your head how things "will" go. And when they don't (which of course they don't) it rocks the core of one's being. I very much used to live in that awful reality. Which is not a very easy place to live. It is uncompromising and rigid. And really not all that practical.
And over the last 10 years I have had so much practice in letting some of that go. Of being with what is. Of being with what unexpected surprise shows up. And of being with not knowing.
I look back to the DC days when we lived with the continual and cyclical threat of Mark's having to return to the UK. Every 6 months for about 3 years we worried and hand wrung. It absolutely forced me/us to appreciate Today. Now. This Moment. And This One. And This...
I have learned to enjoy Not Knowing What's Next. Hey- life's an adventure, right? And Door Number 3 might be the best one yet! How exciting!
I took the leap to leave the comfort of comforts and the constraints of my same same same for 10 years life in DC for 1000% Not Knowing. Country. Relationship. New Career. And WOW, the gifts that keep on giving on that one.
We sat through Not Knowing about Mark's BT redundancy. For months!
We moved 3 times - each to an entirely new city and even to another country. Not Knowing.
And in coaching -- myself, others, leadership - - I have really learned that one can prepare - but never *Plan*. (thank you for that lesson, Karen Kimsey House). It doesn't allow for other stuff to show up. The unexpected. The rich. The whatever is there. It is a bit of the create from nothing stuff. It is truth of the moment.
And now we are again in the pot stewing. What will happen with Mark's job...
Haven't I been practicing? Haven't I gotten the lesson of being loose and waiting for the gift and appreciating the moment of today?
I wonder what I haven't quite let go of. What's new here for me to absorb and get.
Because after all those lessons, I was really pretty excited for a little chance to be certain. To Know. And to Plan.
The world at large feels like they are waiting on tenterhooks with me. (Which I recently learned is not spelled tenderhooks -- which actually feels more appropriate and true to scale.)
Economies gone a flooey. Markets utterly turned upside down. Rugs swept from under thousands of feet.
Lot of uncertainty.
Yet we wake, we eat, we work, we love, we shop, we plan. We carry on.
And what I am now resting my head on are things I am certain about. And I am finding great comfort in that.