Friday 26 May 2006

a few spare moments

or should I just say lazy ones ...

I need to clean the house. And prepare. And go to the gym. And make phone calls. After all, I am getting married again tomorrow. Instead,I just took a nap (it is 11:45 in the a.m.) and am having another cup of tea. I am still in my jammies and spend the better part of a half hour looking at People magazine celebrity pictures online. I can't help but notice that I should be more excited about this Part 2 Celebration. Aren't brides supposed to be thrilled that they can wear the dress again? Be the princess again? I discovered last year that i am not a very good bride.

I am having a hard time getting it up for it. I am tired. Getting married is hard. Fun, but hard. And we already did it. Beautifully, I might add. Everything went as it should and we both loved the day and what it meant. That was a month ago. What does tomorrow's mean? I am searching. Trying to get an angle on it. The 2 people mark really wanted to be there can't come ... his grandparents. Too ill, too fragile for the trip.

I want to be a civilian again. Stop caring if my arms are tan. Or skin spot free. Nails perfect. I want to search for a job, go to the library, research places to live in Edinburgh. Remember how to coach. Cook. Go to the gym without visions of big white dress following me and go for the sake of health and happiness. Not to prove slim brideness. I am so sick of that.

I know this will all come. In 3 days time. For now I need to get the lead out. Remember that this is the only wedding many important people will witness. Smile. Be gracious and bridey. Meet a lot of relatives for the first time. Be charming.

First, I must clean the toilet.
Find all my wedding underwear. Jewelry. Pack for the night in the hotel. Get organized.

Both the being and the doing seem hard right now.

I am sure it will kick in --- the excitement and adreneline of hair and make up and people flying in and champagne and speeches. It will, right? Promise? Yes, it will.

Maybe I just need to remember that I get to say I Love You to my Mark in front of all his family and friends. Yeah- that is the clincher. That is what it is about. He is my husband, our life is together, here I am. Here we are. Yes. I can get behind that -- behind him, us. It isn't about the dress and the DJ. Never was. Not even the first time. It is about him.

And with that, I am off...

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