mommyblogger madness

Thanks to Mary J, I have been reading Sleep is for the Weak -- a compilation of the 'best of the mommybloggers'.

Now I have been blogging near 5 years and I must admit... I don't read many of my own, just a few friends who have recently dipped into their own writing. What have I been missing?!

I was unaware of the GINORMOUS outpouring from women who are new mothers. They. Are. Everywhere. Many many blogs are written by smart and funny women (and a few men) who are adapting to parenthood and relaying their experiences with the world. Great writing. And truth telling.

This book collects just some of the stories of parenthood -- covering old chestnuts like sleep deprivation, poop and pee, balancing life and work, stress, body changes, etc.

It is Great. And Alarming.

I admit I have been very very chill this last 6 months of being pregnant for the most part. Once I stopped feeling like I had a monster case of malaise, I just felt like regular me with increasingly tighter pants. I have had only a few overly emotional and (only) slightly irrational outbursts. (Never tell me I am over-reacting to something, especially when I am over reacting!)

But now I am in the 3rd and final trimester, things are starting to get more, real.

As time is ticking, the belly growing, moving, gurgling, and I am getting closer to the End Game, I realise that my LALALALAEVERYTHINGISFINEANDNORMAL way of being is going to end.

I see (loud/crying/whining) kids with harangued mothers and I think YUCK! I realise I stop seeing women and I see Mothers. I take mental inventory of things kids are doing and vow piously "THAT will not be allowed." Or, "He WON'T be eating/drinking/sitting/screaming/yelling/like THAT."

So these stories of parenthood and all of its trials and stress and confusion and freak out are all written with humour and humility. And Reality.

It is a Reality (which needs a capital R) which I have not yet quite accepted will actually happen yet. Being The Mother, much like Giving Birth remain Out There and Far. And Theoretical.

While it is a treat to read these cleverly written stories, they are kind of freaking me out. I know that sleep will be slippery and not normal. That going out with a baby into the world will require Gear, Patience, and Stamina. That my world will shrink and grow in a way I can't understand yet. That breastfeeding and diaper/nappy changing will be all consuming. I have no illusions that it will be easy or really All Fun. Certainly some of it will be. And some won't. AND It is all out there waiting.

But somehow now, in my innocent not knowing, reading these tales it is killing my last months of unclogged and first person singular thinking. And it is scaring me. I like my ignorance a little.

Perhaps when I am in the thick of my own real life When He is Here adventure I will appreciate them more. Certainly relate to them and admire the ability to tell the story. Or better yet, write about them myself to give perspective, lightness, humility and witness to my own experience.

Heck, what's one more mommyblogger to add to the list.

Huge buckets of gratitude

Meanwhile, things in our lives are amazing. Huge buckets of gratitude overflow.

All we have been working so hard for and cosmic ordering and musing about and hoping for and hand wringing and dreaming of is happening.

Happy recap:

• Mark successfully finished his MBA (Graduation next week!) Totally worked his arse off. Learned about himself. Got a chance to swing out and try things out of his comfort zone. Learn about things he wanted to know. Round out his skills. Hone his talents. Get called into a Bigger Place in himself.
  
• Mark got an excellent job he is excited about. Validating this MBA year from a personal growth and a career-building scope. Pride swells.
  
• We don't have to move. Now. You cannot underestimate how giant that is. We have cumulatively moved 6 times in 7.5 years, including 3 countries.
  
• We get to stay in Scotland. Which may seem like a bad thing to my US people. But we are consistently rewarded here with friendliness and fun and easiness and affordability of life here. We won't be here forever. A 3-5 year plan is in the works.
  
• We get to stay in Edinburgh (unless Glasgow calls to us in April after this test run commuting phase). We love the lack of crowds. The undiscovered jewel of the UK. Pretty, small, laid back. Friends, workmates, restaurants, handlers, doctors. Sorted.
  
• I get to quit my (beloved people but not my dream) day job. It has been a good run. Standard Life has re-installed my faith in the corporate world a bit. It ain't perfect. But it gave me what I needed for these 14 months. A place to work. Money. A sense of belonging. Great welcoming friends. Funny and fun colleagues. Using my brain. Feeling smart.
  
• I get to focus on coaching! Get a niche. Get more clients. Learn more. Do more. Be more. I've managed to keep the practice afloat this whole while, but barely. I know enough about myself that I need space and time to make things happen and working has had my attention. I am hungry for more.
  
• I get to go to LEADERSHIP! Which I have been wanting since I started coaching in 2004. Starting in JANUARY! Over my 40th birthday! In CALIFORNIA! Lead by the CTI founders Karen Kimsey-House and Henry Kimsey-House. Big and scary and exciting. I can honesty not think of a better way to ring in my 4th decade than by taking this time to invest in me and my inner leader.
  
• We get to start moving towards the future. The one we have been talking about since 2000. Dogs and possible offspring and houses and regularity.
  

In sum this feels wonderful and hopeful and deeply deeply satisfying and a giant relief. It is the end of one long marathon. One we ran and ran and ran and didn't always believe we would finish. But dang it, we are on the other side, looking back in awe and elation knowing we did it.

As I pause to celebrate, I know we are starting another journey. But instead of a marathon, I am going to look at it as an exhilarating walk in a new neighborhood. One that you've been wanting to look around in. Curious. Discover what's there. Forward. With intent. Strong. One that makes you feel alive. But also fun. And not an emergency.

This feels too nice to run through.

inspired

Seems just when you really need it, you get an unexpected injection of good feeling right in the gooey center.

And this morning I feel the cumulative effects of:

- my weekend with the future coaches and Lex bringing back why I like to coach, why Lex is seriously a keeper and glimpses of what I want more of

- the grace of Mark in his hours of demand, without complaint and powering through

- the shouts out from new and old readers who say they like to read this here blog, giving me more pause that you know

- the premature need for scarves and heavier coats up north here in Scotland, cuz it has been cold all summer, at least now we can dress for it

- through the sad lose of Uncle Al, a connection to time, to family, to core ground

- the 10% turn of feeling in the air that autumn is here, inspiring fires, hot drinks and giant goblets of red wine

- because I KNOW Mark will get a good job very soon and things will change and those things will be good

- It is ok to be just where we are