inspired

Seems just when you really need it, you get an unexpected injection of good feeling right in the gooey center.

And this morning I feel the cumulative effects of:

- my weekend with the future coaches and Lex bringing back why I like to coach, why Lex is seriously a keeper and glimpses of what I want more of

- the grace of Mark in his hours of demand, without complaint and powering through

- the shouts out from new and old readers who say they like to read this here blog, giving me more pause that you know

- the premature need for scarves and heavier coats up north here in Scotland, cuz it has been cold all summer, at least now we can dress for it

- through the sad lose of Uncle Al, a connection to time, to family, to core ground

- the 10% turn of feeling in the air that autumn is here, inspiring fires, hot drinks and giant goblets of red wine

- because I KNOW Mark will get a good job very soon and things will change and those things will be good

- It is ok to be just where we are

joy

and relief. Mark turned It in this morning at 10:00 a.m. after a night of working on fumes and having shades of madness and Losing It Mentally at about 3:45. All 65,000 words are turned in. He is happy with the result. I am happy it is out of my life. We are happy to have just had a nice lunch with a glass of wine and actually sit together and revel in the relief. No more work or words today.

I am complete.

so close

and yet...

So

Far

I had high hopes that Mark was turning in his dissertation on Friday -- leaving us with 3 full days of skipping in the street, getting drunk mid-day and reclaiming the surfaces of the conservatory, now piled high with books and papers and student detritus.

But. No.

The cruel MBA people are allowing him to turn it in on Monday. Squashing my visions with a big stinky foot.

I responded as only I can. Crabbily, brattily annoyed.

I feel bad about this, but I was soooooo close to having my partner back. Space in his head for me. Play dates and also help mate in the house. I feel I have been by my standards, patient for so long. I was ready. Am ready for the Next Thing.

So instead I went to the movies. (Atonement- v good) and I went to the dry cleaners. And did laundry. And took a long soaky bubble bath with the October Vanity Fair. And made chicken corn chowder. And I felt very sorry for myself for 2 days. Making this All About Me. And making me about 8 years old.

But today is Sunday and while I firmly believe Mark has made this about 700 times harder, longer and more time consuming than I ever would, it is his way. And he will be proud to turn it in at the very last tick of the clock tonight. And even though I am so very done with Mark's MBA and his year of learning, I know I am getting a more rounded and more fulfilled partner out of it.

So the vision has changed to a long celebratory lunch on my No Work Monday. WIne. Good Food. Talking. Just the 2 of Us. With nothing hanging over our heads. Except him getting a job. But that complaint is for another day.

of the day

I am sitting on the GNER train at 8 on the morning at Edinburgh Waverly station. It is the second train I have been on this morning. I sat on one for an hour from 6:00. After getting up at literally 4:45 AM. A fire on a freight train in Musselburgh has grounded travel south to a halt.

But I am grateful for my decision to pull out the stops and upgrade for fancy First Class, Free WiFi. Sammiches being handed out. Friendly ladies asking if you need travel help. Many posh older gentlemen in suits making small talk and jokes with the beverage servers. And me. In my green comfort Dansko sandals and glasses and my shiny Mac. I feel like an first class impostor. But determined to stake my claim here in the comfy class. I love it.

But more to the point, today I travel to London to assist on coaching course with dear Lex. I look forward to getting into the warm tub of CTI love and immerse deeply in coactivity and coaching mindset.

Update - we are moving!

But this is all giving me pause, as today is the funeral of my dear Uncle Al. My nuclear and extended family is gathering together to pay tribute to him and to officially say good-bye. It was a sudden and sad death. And the first of that generation in my family. He has been a staple and a given in the fabric of my 39 years and feels wrong and disproportionately shocking that he has gone. I think of my dear Aunt Dorothy, married to him since she was 16. And my parents who together with Al and Dorothy have been a formidable foursome over the many years, sharing vacations, hundreds of days at the lake, pizza nights, drop by visits and often seeming to morph into the same people.

I may be in London today. But my heart is in Milwaukee with the Michalskis, the Faculjaks, the Krohns and the Giuntolis. And remembering where and who I come from.

not much to say

Feeling in the soup while Mark is in the thick of finishing his dissertation and looking hard for a job. It all feels quite real. We take long daily walks to discuss options and muse scenario planning. It is probably an exciting time of our lives. Probably. Shame it is also bloody stressful. Lots of energy poured into hope.