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Date: Friday, March 08, 2019 04:14:28 PM
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Sent from my iPhone

2012 bubbye

whoosh
2012
I hardly knew ye

photo from hannahcurson.blogspot.com

This is the very first year I feel no anticipation of the new year.  This year has been big in many ways. A move. (again) A baby. (so happy) A boy turning 3.  (wha?) A readjustment. (ongoing)

As they say with small children, the days are long and the years are short. 

My Greatest Hits lists feels more like the The Things That Kept Me Sane List. 

• family hugs - especially when requested by the boy

• Words With Friends

 (love/hate)

• iPad

- where've you been all my life

• local in law grandparents - solicitous, cheery, generous, helpful, solid

• Alice - the most cheerful person I know who wakes with a smile and explodes my heart.  My best girl. 

• Derby stores: bagel Thursday, animal crackers and good cheddar

• generosity and connection of siblings

• Newnham - so local, so easy, so friendly, so freaking quaint

• St Mark's playgroup Toddles

• Newnham friendly real-deal mums

• Lewis - my threenager. My mood mirror. My challenge. My golden smarty. My best boy. 

• Cousin's Butchers steak pies

• Mushroom Park - watching Lewis conquer each playground as he gets bigger and bolder

• Mark's great day rate keeping us in organic fruit and taxis

• Lewis dates - babychinos at Bills/Giraffe

• Netflix (in bed)

• The Market - for a destination, for bread, for interesting goods

• Mark- biker commuter, bring home the bacon, dedicated to our small people

• Lewis Glasgow Birthday weekend and reunion with our pals

• Number 18 bus full of Newnham grannies, taking our weary, fully loaded pram + 2 into town for 2 quid

• Becco Butterfly owl sling (where Alice spent the first 6 months of her life)

I guess when I write it all down it underscores for amazing things are. Hard sometimes. Fun usually. But very very lucky girl I am. 

I am realising -- this life is my happy ending. 

eyes up

Today I thank my husband and co parent.  Because of him I've had the last 2 Saturday mornings "off" ...

Just me. Doing things.  I've chosen low hanging fruit -- the most crucial of my personal beauty needs to address first... hair and eyebrows and feet.  Doesn't take much to recenter me. Or make me feel the gentle wave of a perspective re-jigger.

Yes.  taking care of myself feels vital.  Small gestures of pampering feel miraculous. The simple act of walking alone down the street feels freeing and light.  My brain synapses are re-aligning.  Oh yes.  I am still here.

Makes me feel hope for more time.  To write. Read. Think. Plan. Want. Dream. Sleep. Miss. Remember. 

And the small time loosens the vice-grip of managing and shuffling and carrying and feeding. Keeping hunger, sleep and mood regulation all in balance for 3 people. 

Yes. There is a life inside of me still living.

Even when all eyes are used to pointing down.

this girl