Mark's last day of BT employment was yesterday. Yay for him. No more answering to the Man. No more office. He is his own person now until Uni of Edinburgh claims his brain and his waking hours in September. He is free bird.
And now we embark on what most retirees fear and dread and get therapy for. Both of us home. Together. In the 3rd month of marriage. I have had the run of the house as the lady of the manor now for almost 2 years now. Sending him off in the morning like a nice June Cleaver with a packed lunch and a kiss and sinking happily into My Day. Napping at whim, coaching with office door open, having questionably un-nutritious lunches, going to day-time gym classes on my own, being OCD about checking e-mail, chatting to Lexie for long conversations about tidying up the house and coaching issues and sex lives and nothing and everything , tidying up 10 minutes before he gets home. And I was always happy as a puppy to see him. Ahhhhhhh. Sweet, beautiful life.
Now no more sending him out the door. Since we have been back from our marathon wedding trips, he has been around more than ever and I have not, repeat not handled it with grace and love. We were both trashed and exhausted and eager to zone out and routine-ize out lives. Which for me included him being, um, not here. Solitude has been the more glorious gift of this move over here... Who knew I would lap it up so greedily?
Where was my space? My TV time? My silent place? My long and empty day to fill without conversation or negotiation or witness? I missed it!! So I have been kinda snappish, short and annoyed. And now I must stop. We have been given 2 months together without the pull of full time jobs. To pack, to move, to lay by the pool, to go the gym, to be. Something , I know, we must take advantage of and ENJOY! It shant happen again until we ARE retired. Yet, I can't help but wonder, why now this lesson/or this gift? I struggle without boundaries of you go, I stay, see you later. How do you miss someone who never leaves?
We have never been ones to shy away from a challenge with each other, but this one is throwing me. In the next year we will be swapping roles -- from student to earner. And I am resisting giving up this luxury of time and space. Or, resisting sharing it. Selfish cow that I am.
I know marriage is hard and we just started. Or maybe I should say, live is kinda hard and marriage is part of it. Or the coach in me would say, new things are scary. Uncharted territory can shake you up. It wakes you up and makes you notice where you are going and what you are doing. Maybe I have just been a bit too cozy in this easy place and now it is time to wake up and join the land of the day-job, the land of stepping up and the land I just signed up for -- of togetherness. Lots of it. For a long long time.