Complaints I retract

When we first moved back to Cambridge I was in deep stress. Veerrry pregnant and exhausted and in a chronic state of worry. I found loads of things to complain about. Adjusting was Hard Work. Hell, walking was hard work.

Time, she is a funny bird. Three months in and life is lighter. In the spirit of gratitude and keeping my heart open to more goodies, I retract the following grumbles:

1) We have no community here.

We moved into one of the nicest family neighbourhoods in Cambridge. Within weeks we met and befriended 3 families On Our Very Street. All super nice. All with kids. We found a playgroup At The End Of Our Street. Hello Handy. There we met several more very kind folks. Then you add the butcher, the local chemist and 2 local shops within 2 blocks who know us now (because we frequent them every freaking day) and -- boom-- community. I can walk through our hood and run into people to chat with. I Love This.

2) The English aren't as friendly as the Scottish

Perhaps this is still a bit true. But the English warm up nicely. They might initially look at you loud American talking to her rowdy toddler with quiet disapproval but on 10th viewing they realise you are ok and start to engage. Old crabby people smile at the antics on the bus. And no one No ONE can resist the soft and sweet charms of a newborn.

3) It is hard to get around

Well, I am no longer pregnant, nor recovering from a section. I am getting used to teeny narrow sidewalks. I figured out the buses. The bus from our neighbourhood changed (yay!) the fleet to a pram friendly model so we can take it. Lewis rides his tiny red balance bike through our neighbourhood errands. We can walk 4 minutes to get to a kick ass play park.

Plus
We have library cards
We have 'regular' hangout spots

In short, we belong. Which in essence is really what anyone wants. To be known. To be seen. To be understood.
For this, for this time, however long we are here, I am grateful.

Sometimes I feel tired of beginning again. We have moved and moved and moved. And I need to remind myself that how I show up is what I shall receive. Reap what yee sow. We are never 'done' with new experiences and growing if we are open to the new and unknown next thing. And man, it is way easier to ride the wave of change than trying to paddle against it.

I hope I can remember this the next time (and I can count on a next time.-- we all can) I am stiff arming some new change.

For now, a bus ride, a friend, a smile on the street and knowing where to go feels very very lovely.

P.S. Plus I am writing this while getting a pedicure while the tiny girl sleeps on my chest and the sunny boy plays with his grandparents. I have MUCH to be grateful for.

living in the now

And here I am ... back. I have been holding my tongue and  my breath for a while now. Scared to write what was happening since I was working over time to not think too hard about it. And inevitably, if I open a blank blog page, the truth is sure to flop out.

It looks like we are going to be in Glasgow for the summer. After much hand -ringing, hallway-pacing, excel spread-sheeting, scenario list-making, nail-chewing and general fretting, my dear husband has landed a contract job for the summer.

Insert GIANT sigh of relief here.

Yes, this is a short-term solution. Yes, we still need to figure out what happens, erm, AFTER summer.

And yet, that, is not now.

Now I  can buy flour, baking powder, mustard and peppercorns... things I have been holding off on since a move may have been imminent. (No one ever can find a way to move a half empty jar of mustard across international lines.)

Now I can get my summer clothes out of storage. (Naturally only to look at since it is only about 55F here but a girl can dream.)

Now we can keep L in nursery for his 2 life-saving, child-enriching days a week.

Now we can hire a babysitter so we can celebrate our 5 year wedding anniversary along with Kate & Will's wedding on April 29. (yes, they copied us.)

Now I can plan a long overdue trip to the US to see my parents and other mid-westerners. 

Now we can enjoy the parks and the flowers and take advantage of the lightness and the warmth and enjoy. (a.k.a. chase Lew as he runs amok throwing gravel or trying to lick wheels, pet strange dogs.)

Now I can make a hair appointment to recreate something that resembles a *hair-style* rather than the multi-coloured, straggly ponytail.

Now we can plan, really plan, what our next step is.

Three months isn't all that long, really.

But to me, to us, for now

It is everything.

be the pooh

My 24 hour rant + some crying + releasing some stress+ a long soak in the tub + talking to Postitive Lexie = I feel better
My job is not to be annoyed or angry or scared.
My job is to be calm and appreciative and grateful and optimistic and excited for what is to come.
I have a beautiful, 100% normal boy growing happily inside me.
I feel good.
I love my husband and our relationship is only getting stronger.
I appreciate this moment.
I am really really grateful for all my life has become.

Float on my back like a happy, round Winnie the Pooh.
Knowing that what is next is going to be just right.
Trust that I am OK.
While keeping my head and heart in the grounded, comfortable place it has been these last 7 months, which has served me so well.
I forget.
And I am reminded.
And I am grateful.

P.S. What hormones? What mood swing? I have no idea what you are talking about.

greatest hits 2008

Yep- Greatest Hits 2008!
Every year I create a list of my top hits for the year... things or people I discovered, enjoyed, saw, heard, wore, ate -- or anything that made the year memorable. I include trips, foods, friends, memories, accomplishments, and songs -- anything that was the cream of the crop for me. And, I write them down and share them with the people that helped shape my year with my gratitude.

(I have to own up that this list idea originally came from my brother Gary and I have 100% adopted it as my own. So GR Faculjak©!)

Here, in no particular order -- a long list as it was a BIG Year!

• Being sung Happy Birthday by 23 new friends in 4 languages
• 40
• pink fuzzy robe
• Rumi the Sufi poet
• Paris sunshine for Valentines Day
• Indefinite Right to Remain Visa
• UK drivers license
• Let Me Fall
  
• Salma Cafe
• Lupe Pintos supply of Tex Mex staples in a dry country
• Illy coffee
• daily doses of Lexie
• Notes from the Universe
  
• Climb on!
• 14 foot ceilings
• Kelvingrove Park walk
• loving my marriage to Mark
• eyebrow threading
• quiz night at the Liquid Ship
• Life purpose workshop with Hanna in Madison
• Plockton
• Forth Street heartbreak
• home ownership
• 6 transatlantic flights, 1 in fancy class all bringing me to the USA
• Obama
• Life Clubs
• real solid wood furniture and Big Momma Chair
• shifting the space/intending my impact
• Leadership R1, R2, R3 and R4 with the Porcupine Tribe and the Kimsey-Houses
• kitchen radio
• Mother Tree
• DIY Dynamo Mark
• Working fireplace
• Northern California
• Florida sunshine in May with good peeps
• Stay

THANK YOU FOR BEING A PART OF MY 2008!!!

Chapter ending

Three days at work left and I feel crabby. Like I shoulda maybe gone 3 weeks ago. Six weeks of notice is too long. By the time you get to the last week, your head is already gone, but your body is at the office … making it very confusing for your spirit.

But I feel this is 10000% the right time for me to exit. Change is afoot. And I am not, should not, be a part of the next iteration. In the 18 months I have tried to be myself, do my work, be open and honest and treat people with respect and good will. And that I think I have accomplished. It also underscores what is important to me and what I can’t be bothered with. Truth is, I am more hungry now for a different kind of work than I have been in a long time. The fire is officially lit for my next chapter.

My best takeaway from my job is that I’ve met really great humans and they have helped me fully assimilate into life in Scotland. I got to know the flavour and the texture of the people and culture in a way I never would have just sitting in my flat. I've been part of it. I so appreciate the characters and the open friendliness and acceptance my team has offered me.

I will truly miss working with people I like, respect and enjoy being around. The daily coffee mornings, the ‘man tin’, my continual visits to the web team, the lunch field trips and Sodexo cuisine. But also working with people who Get It. They are smart and know what and who they are about and how to do their jobs. It is heartening to be around. I also see what they could be if they believed in themselves more. But they know how to have a laugh and also do their job -- which is a refreshing change from some of my corporate experience.

I also know I won’t miss early mornings and picking out an outfit. Too many available snacks. Meetings. Quiet office politics. Time away from what I feel called to do. Giving me excuses to play small. And not coaching more.

My hope is that I will keep the people. Keep the friends. Keep the connection.

But in my heart of hearts I know.

My work here is done.

saying goodbye to Olof

What a exhausting 32 hours.

To Amsterdam and Leiden and back and as many as 10 different modes of transport once it was said and done. But mostly in saying good bye to Olof.

I'd never been to a cremation ceremony before, especially one in Dutch. Some parts were translated, but most of it was not, which actually made it easier. What we did understand were the Queen songs Olof had chosen for this day, Olof's favourite blue and purple flowers surrounding his casket, and the enlarged framed photo of Olof is his backwards baseball cap and camera strewn around his neck, grinning sweetly.

These things made it real. And ghastly.

It is hard to see someone young die. It is even harder to see the closest people caught in mid-stream who will need to continue on with the giant hole of loss.

Also hard to see my Mark lose someone who shared a huge amount of joint memories with him and who he thought was a given and a staple in his future. Boys don't make lots of new friends. They hang on to the old ones forever.

It was sad. And good. And important. And lovely to meet the people in his and Evelyn's life.

And we hope to remember Olof each year at this time.

Toast to him with his classically overly sugared tea. Eat meat on a stick. Or just take some time to think of him.

It is sad. And good. And important.

future ho!

And yes. The year of working hard, keeping our heads down, our needs simple and our future plans theoretical has paid off. Keeping fingers and toes and all other crossables crossed may have helped.

Mark has passed his MBA. Officially.

Mark has been offered a big, fat, juicy job. Officially.

In one week, we are going to the Spanish island of Mallorca to sit in the sun and drink tall cool beverages with umbrellas. Tickets booked.

And count our blessings.

And start the Next Chapter.

But first to revel and roll around in this good place. It tastes too nice to rush through.

Yehaw.

of the day

I am sitting on the GNER train at 8 on the morning at Edinburgh Waverly station. It is the second train I have been on this morning. I sat on one for an hour from 6:00. After getting up at literally 4:45 AM. A fire on a freight train in Musselburgh has grounded travel south to a halt.

But I am grateful for my decision to pull out the stops and upgrade for fancy First Class, Free WiFi. Sammiches being handed out. Friendly ladies asking if you need travel help. Many posh older gentlemen in suits making small talk and jokes with the beverage servers. And me. In my green comfort Dansko sandals and glasses and my shiny Mac. I feel like an first class impostor. But determined to stake my claim here in the comfy class. I love it.

But more to the point, today I travel to London to assist on coaching course with dear Lex. I look forward to getting into the warm tub of CTI love and immerse deeply in coactivity and coaching mindset.

Update - we are moving!

But this is all giving me pause, as today is the funeral of my dear Uncle Al. My nuclear and extended family is gathering together to pay tribute to him and to officially say good-bye. It was a sudden and sad death. And the first of that generation in my family. He has been a staple and a given in the fabric of my 39 years and feels wrong and disproportionately shocking that he has gone. I think of my dear Aunt Dorothy, married to him since she was 16. And my parents who together with Al and Dorothy have been a formidable foursome over the many years, sharing vacations, hundreds of days at the lake, pizza nights, drop by visits and often seeming to morph into the same people.

I may be in London today. But my heart is in Milwaukee with the Michalskis, the Faculjaks, the Krohns and the Giuntolis. And remembering where and who I come from.

restorative

I leave the US today after my 15 days and I feel better leaving than I did arriving.
7 beds but all good ones.
Many memories.
Many connections and reconnections.
I came feeling like I wanted to get off the ride.
And I am leaving considering getting back on.
Deeply restorative and feeling healed.
And I'm not just talking about my cold.

birthday fairies

Thanks to all my birthday fairies who sent notes, cards, emails, presents, warm thoughts, blog poems and calls my way to celebrate my personal holiday. Makes a gal feel nice. And maybe stave off the grumpy old woman status for another year.

39 is the new 39.