|This is desktop wallpaper called, Quiet, Still, Alone.|
Mark away for the day.
Lewis at nursery.
It is a day I have fantasised about.
No one to pay attention to except me. No nap schedule except my own. I could have on loudest music or be ensconced in calm silence. I could go see a matinee. Or wander aimlessly. Or walk with purpose and intent to get somewhere. Somewhere NEW! Somewhere that babies aren't allowed. OR I could read! Or think clever thoughts. Call friends. Do some marketing for coaching. Take a water wastingly long, hot shower.
It is now 1:30 in the afternoon.
No long leisurely shower. (OK any shower for that fact)
No smart thoughts about anything.
No dancing in my underwear a la Risky Business.
I dropped off the boy and ...
I have eaten nachos.
I have washed and folded 3 loads of laundry.
I have emptied the dishwasher and all the garbages.
I have organized the recyclables.
I managed a Sainsbury delivery.
I changed the sheets.
And I have cleaned the flat.
And now, I think ... I don't know what do.
There is only a little bit more free time. It is fleeting. And going fast.
This is what happens, I think, to mothers. First reaction is to do the normal things.
And do them in peace. And fast. And with concentration. Alone. Blissfully.
It feels so relaxing to be alone. To take one's eyes off the ball (or kid as it were) and just let the mind flop a bit.
Is this the new dream? To be silent in my brain? Those other things sure sound nice. And what feels even nicer is to know those things are still out there.
I just think I'd need several weeks of this quiet to remember how.
Oh I fantasize about having time like this. But I know I would have NO idea what to do with myself and would be so frustrated for "squandering" it.
Here's to having a chance - and lots of practice - to figure it out.
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